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May. 17th, 2016 08:44 amCompeer | Star Trek Reboot/AOS | PG-13 (Part 1 of Congruence series) (complete)
Companion | Star Trek Reboot/AOS | NC-17 (Part 2 of Congruence series) (complete)
Oh god my head hurts.
And now it hurts worse, thanks Bones. Aren't you supposed to, like, do no harm or some shit?
Ow motherfucker that HURTS
"Okay, look up. Now look down. More down than that. Okay, left side. Right."
owowowowowow
"Hmm."
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
"Meaning what, exactly?"
"Meaning I still can't find what's causing your headaches. I think you need a specialist. I've done all I can."
"A specialist. Wonderful. Can't you just bump up my prescription?"
Hop off the table and try not to stagger on the landing. Yeah, good catch. That was smooth. Now where the hell is my jacket...?
"It's a miracle you're still walking around with what I've already given you. Most people would be drooling in front of a vid marathon with the amount of dope you've got circulating inside you."
"Yeah, well, I might try that next."
Jacket on. Boots...where?
"I've got a better idea. Try Spock's suggestion and see a Vulcan healer."
shitshitshit
"What, you've been talking to Spock about me? What happened to confidentiality?"
"Do you mind my talking to Spock?"
no
"Hell yeah! He's already all up in my behind about the headaches. I could stand to have him a little less vested in my health issues."
Can't look at Bones, have to look at my boot, gotta pull it on, okay, there.
"Why?"
"Because I want some space. It's like I'm helpless or needy or something. I hate that."
"Here's your other boot. Hate what?"
"That needy part. I hate needing anything. I hate needing him."
"Why?"
Pull on that boot stomp stomp okay, ready to go.
"It's just not something I do."
"Jim, if you want this to work out between you two, you've got to quit labeling yourself. Because telling yourself what you do and don't do is code for giving up responsibility. Don't fall into that trap. Love isn't all flowers and candy and romantic walks in the moonlight. It takes a fuck of a lot of work."
And there's the problem, right there. Whoa, getting dizzy, gotta sit down.
"What? What is it?"
And the head descends into the hands. Fuck you, Bones.
SHIT
"You do love him, don't you?"
ah goddamnit
"It's a fair question, and a simple one to boot. Do you love him?"
...?
"Yeah, I mean, I guess so. Yeah."
"You guess?"
That's not something I do, either.
"Okay, let me ask you this. Let's say Spock walks right into this room, right now, right through that door. What's your first reaction?"
And I could actually see it, see it freakishly clearly, Spock rounding the corner and entering the room through the open door, dressed how he normally is at home, a plain black tunic over a closed-neck shirt, his perfect hands hidden inside the folds of the sleeves, his steps quick but unhurried, his face alive with concentration on something
maybe me but probably not
and there it goes, this horrible feeling in my stomach, the sudden whomp of near-pain, as if a giant hand had just taken hold of my guts and squeezed them, a feeling like I have to shit or puke or die, and I know I have to look away because I can't stand the proximity, can't stand that he will know, will be able to see right through me if I don't avert my eyes, will be able to see right into my mind
I need
and I have to do something, I have to distract him, so I look everywhere but his eyes, look at his chin, ear, throat, down to where his heart is, I reach for it, reach under the cloth to find it, like a bird fluttering under my palm, and his eyes close so I know I'm safe, and I grab his ass and squeeze it with my other hand, and he sighs, turning liquid in my arms, folding into me.
"So. Do you love him?"
...?
I don't know
...
"Yeah."
"Jesus fuck, what the hell do you have in this thing, rocks?"
"Negative. It contains merely your personal effects, none of which comprise any manner of geological specimens so far as I am aware."
"Goddamn it, couldn't you at least have found a ground floor apartment? Or a building with a working elevator?"
"I reasoned that the superior view, combined with the decreased security risk, would make the fourth floor a more desirable location than the ground level."
"Well, if you'd let me go house-hunting with you, I'd have told you otherwise. Both my shoulders are dislocated."
"Were that indeed the case, you would not be able to carry the container. As to the presence of a 'working elevator,' the condition of the lift is likely to be temporary, and it is logical to assume that it will once again be operational at some point in the near future."
"So fucking convenient of it to break right when we need it. Stupid fucking...walk-up with its stupid...fucking...fourth floor. Jesus...fucking Christ."
"I apologize if my choice is not to your liking. Perhaps you should reserve judgment until you view the interior living space."
"You said...it was unfurnished."
"Indeed, I have not yet had an opportunity to supply it with much beyond the very barest of necessities. Your ability to withstand the relative discomfort of sleeping on the floor will have been heightened by your diligence in meditative practice."
"Can't wait. Sounds fucking...awesome."
Spock does not reply because they have finally arrived at the entrance to their new home, the only door on the landing. He opens it with a touch of the key chip and stands aside to let Jim, dramatically panting in partly-feigned exhaustion and agony, enter first.
It is not the bare, unfurnished flat Spock had alluded to. The front door opens to a short, wide hallway beyond which lies a sunny and inviting front room. Jim staggers in and stops, frozen, his eyes taking in the couch and armchairs arranged around a low central table, the small dining area to his right with a higher table and chairs set around it, and the spotless kitchen in which a cooler containing their lunch of sandwiches and beer rests on the counter.
Spock takes the cargo container from Jim's arms and lays it down on the hardwood floor before gently taking his elbow and guiding him toward one of two doors off the front hallway. It is the guest bathroom, already supplied with soap and towels, delicately scented and inviting. The other door across from it opens into the first of the two bedrooms, now converted into a study, one side designed as a meditation space with mats and small bolsters arranged around a central area that awaits the placement of the firepot. The other side of the room holds the old-fashioned desk Jim bought for his use at the Academy, his small coffeepot resting on its polished surface, his collection of books arranged on the hutch above it next to the holos that Spock found buried beneath a stack of black undershirts in the dresser of his quarters on the Enterprise, of George holding baby Sam and of Winona happily clutching her sons.
They pass through the study toward the master bathroom at the other end, a jack-and-jill with two sinks, a shower, and a separate tub, fresh new towels already laid over the twin racks, to the door opposite, into the bedroom, where they stop to take in the sight.
Two dressers and closets, both already containing the clothes Spock sneaked out of the hotel on one of his many nighttime expeditions made while Jim slept, unaware. Two suit racks upon which hang their grey service uniforms, caps resting above and boots below. Two night tables on opposite sides of the one large bed, its surface draped with a striped spread in variegated tones of blue and brown, two sets of pillows resting against the metal headboard.
Jim looks around the room, eyes wide and lips moving soundlessly, speechless.
Spock lets his hand drift off of Jim's elbow to settle on his waist. "I had hoped for our first intimate encounter to occur here. But I am happy for it to be the site of our second, so long as it is only the second of many more to come."
Jim, still in dumb shock, is making no attempt to hide his thoughts, massive ocean waves that break against the rocky shore of Spock's consciousness, drenching him with an unexpected poignancy as he stands and observes them. For amid the powerful roar and lively spray of his lover's delight at the gift lies the core of disbelief that darkens the water from purest blue to a leadened indigo: the foreboding that this is all some sort of sick prank and the conviction that no one would ever do something this extraordinary for him, that no one could care for him this much.
He pulls the still figure to him and melts around it, threading his fingers through the bright hair and tucking the stunned face into the side of his neck as Jim's hands mechanically rise to rest on his lower back.
This is what is real
Please believe
And a few moments later, he feels Jim relax against him, accepting the truth, for now.
You never leave me
Never, beloved
Oh my God, I can't believe it. We just walked in the door, and Spock's already setting up his little firepot thing. Which only means one thing: more meditation.
I swear to God, if I have to meditate one more time, I'm going to go fucking nuts, which I figure is the complete opposite of what I'm supposed to do. Fits, though, because I feel like everything is the opposite of what it should be, or what I want it to be.
The most obvious thing: we're a couple, theoretically. Bonded and all that. My interpretation of that relationship would be shitloads of hot sex. But oh, no. No sex, not even any kissing, for weeks. Weeks. His explanation (because hell yeah I've complained! Several times!) is that my mind needs to be more disciplined in order to withstand more of his hot Vulcan love. Hence the meditation. And okay, I'll give him that, I do feel calmer, like my thoughts are more orderly, since we started singing kumbayah around his little campfire on a daily basis. Sometimes a twice-daily basis. It's gotten to the point that I spend more time fantasizing about heaving that goddamned pot through the window and watching it fall 50 floors than I do meditating.
All this mental orderliness is making me insane, which I'm pretty sure is the exact definition of irony.
And another thing. We're finally moving out of here tomorrow, the first of the month, to our own apartment in Lower Haight. But have I even seen it yet? No. Why? Because he did all the legwork and all the searching and didn't include me in any of it. Granted, the apartment-hunting happened right after (and because of) the whole kidnapping thing, and he was super-paranoid about me leaving the hotel room again. And okay, I was too, a little. I think both of us will feel a lot easier about me being out in public again once we're settled somewhere else. But I feel like he's taken the decision entirely out of my hands, like I'm a child or something. All I know about it is that it's a two-bedroom. Two. Bedroom. More of an indication that we'll be having the opposite of shitloads of hot sex.
I'm putting this all together in my head and coming up with an explanation of my own. I think he started to lose interest in me after the mind meld, once he saw all the shit I have going on, and I can't say I blame him, because it is a lot of shit that I honestly wouldn't mind getting rid of if I could. But he feels obligated to stay with me because of the whole death thing, and my getting abducted by the psycho doctors from hell just made him feel even more obligated.
I don't know. I mean, I want to be with him, really, really bad. But I don't know how much more I can take of being unwanted. I don't even undress in front of him anymore, because I feel like it's too desperate, like, Oh hey, look at me, don't you want some of this? And the answer is always No, which is beyond depressing. So I change in the bathroom, t-shirt and shorts so I'm pretty much all covered up, before coming out to (insert groan here) meditate before bed.
No, hell with that. I'm fucking tired of it. I tell him, no thanks, no meditation for me tonight, you go ahead, I'm too tired. And I get into bed (this beautiful huge motherfucking bed) alone (more irony) and turn my back to him and try to go to sleep.
I can feel his surprise, and something else, through the bond; I've never turned down a chance to meditate with him before, and I can feel his asking why, but I don't feel like answering, so I close it off. That's my best analogy to what it feels like, like a water tap in my head that I can open all the way if I want to, making it hot or warm or cold, whatever I'm feeling. Or, in this case, that I can close completely if I don't feel like sharing. Which I don't.
Welcome to being rejected. Sucks, don't it? Hells yeah it do.
"Is it because of him?"
It takes me a few seconds to figure out what the fuck he's talking about, and then I remember, our waiter from earlier tonight, Dieter, whose name I know because he slipped it to me along with his comm code when he gave me the check. Honestly, there's no way I'm going to follow up, but it did make me feel a little better that at least somebody checked me out, somebody wants to get to know me, hang out with me, maybe, oh I don't know, share a bed with me...?
And I'm feeling low and mean so I don't tell him any of that, I just say, without turning over, "No, it's not because of him, don't be an asshole."
"He desires you."
"No shit," I say, and because I'm still feeling mean, I let it out -- "At least someone does."
He is silent for a moment. "Is it your belief that I do not?"
That, that makes me sit straight up in bed, so pissed off I can't even see straight. "What the hell do you expect me to believe? You haven't come near me in seventeen days! You won't sleep with me, you won't even touch me, so how the fuck does that all add up to you wanting me?"
"There is in fact nothing I want more than I do you."
Oh my God, the bullshit. I can't stand any more. I lie back down and pull the covers around me, check that the tap is shut good and tight, and close my eyes. Maybe all this meditation will help me calm down enough to sleep. Got to be good for something.
Next thing I know, the covers are torn off and I'm suspended in the air, held up by his hands as he leans over the bed, my feet sliding, backpedaling on the sheets as I try, unsuccessfully, to stand up. His voice is low, like the rumble of distant storms on the plains, a welcome sound when you need the rain but threatening too if they're bringing twisters.
"You require proof." A statement, not a question, and I'm so angry I don't even care what he thinks of my shitty reply.
"You've already proven what you think of me, so no, no thanks, I'm good."
He drops me back on the bed and pins my shoulders down with his hands, one knee painfully wedged on my thigh, and kisses me roughly, almost brutally, his tongue hot and thick in my mouth as he hovers above me. And I feel the shock, the electric fence again, but it's different this time; my mind is able to differentiate it into its components and sort them, my thoughts and his thoughts, my sensations and his, as they all hit me simultaneously, blended together in the bond. I can taste the beer on his breath and the mint of toothpaste on mine, feel his knee crushing my thigh and my erection growing against the side of his leg, and now as he drops himself to lie fully on me, I feel his hips moving into mine from both our perspectives, and it's so hot that I have to tear my mouth away from his to take in huge gulps of air so I can cry out.
His thoughts fill me, swirling around my own in a crazy mixture that would make me insane if I weren't able to separate his from mine.
Proof enough?
yes please please
Show me what you want
i can't
Yes
So I let him see something, an image of me tied down on the bed, powerless to stop him as he makes me come in his beautiful hand, those long, elegant fingers wrapped around my dick.
too much...?
He laughs in my head.
Child's play, little James
And he lets me see a vision of myself, tied down as well and drenched in sweat, with him impaling himself on me, making me come inside him as I struggle and scream, then lifting and reversing himself over me to clean my cock with his mouth while I, whimpering in fulfillment, lap and suck my own come out of his ass.
oh my god that's so
He laughs again as his hands move down my arms, from my shoulders to my hands, and he pulls them up and over my head, clamping both of them in one of his so that he can pull down my shorts with the other. And now I feel his hand around me as well as my hardness in his hand, feel him start to stroke me as my pulse beats against his palm.
so beautiful so hard yes
harder please
yes your pleasure oh
your eyes so
yes
oh my god my
yes
His mouth comes down on my neck, hot and biting, and I'm gone, over the edge, his thoughts drowning out my own as my mind goes blank
joy yes oh wonderful mine so beautiful mine
and I know I'm going to faint again, which pisses me off for two reasons. One, it means he was right to make me spend all that time in meditation around his fucking firepot. Two, it means I'm not going to feel most of what he's doing next, which is slowly, lovingly, licking the come off my belly.
"May I take your coat?"
I turn my back to him and shrug it off into his hands; I think I'm finally getting used to his manners. Like the way he holds doors open for me, not unusual since most people who weren't raised in a barn would do the same, but as I walk through, he places his hand very lightly on the small of my back as if to guide me. That strikes me as very old-fashioned, almost courtly.
I make tea for both of us and we take the cups out to the living room, curling up on the couch together and sipping as we watch the lights outside dim one by one. My mind is only a little muddled; I didn't go the route of Pavel or, God forbid, Scotty, who looked like he'd gotten an hours-long head start on us, by imbibing too much tonight. But I suspect he might have. I hate to say I counted his drinks, all of them neat whiskey, but I did, and he'd had enough for me to be fairly uncertain as to his state of mind. Which matters because I have some explaining to do, an apology to make, and it might be easier to do tomorrow, in the sensible light of morning when we're both clear-headed and rational rather than now, when I'm afraid I'm not and he probably isn't either.
But he doesn't address it, choosing a different tack instead.
"It looks like you told him."
I have to take a sip of tea before I can answer, a moment to recall the afternoon that Spock and Leonard left us to give their statements, and I started to tell him what he deserved to know, and I can see it again, now, blue eyes widening and jaw dropping in surprise, then curving up at the corners, an open-mouthed grin of delight, until I finish what I had started to say and the smile slowly, painfully, fades, those eyes clouding over and falling before mine to look at the floor.
I nodded and echoed my own thought. "He deserved to know."
This evening was just what we had all needed, a restoring of normalcy -- however much of that there could be, given everything that's happened. I'd noticed that Jim seemed a little reserved and that Leonard was doing everything he could to bring him out and keep him entertained -- he actually had all of us in stitches all night long with blackly funny horror stories from his youth and his med school days. But there was something else behind his jokes, something I could see hints of, just bits and pieces, that pulled at me. I felt it but didn't know what it was or how to respond to it, and it ate at me all evening long, the idea that I should do something for him without a clue what that something should be. So naturally I did the exact wrong thing.
It was at one point late in the evening, while we were laughing about Pavel's unusual seating arrangement, when Leonard leaned over, put his arm around me, and said, "I wonder if he knows what his sleeping arrangements are going to be tonight."
My immediate response was to growl suggestively in his ear, something friendly and playful and not too out of line in such a crowded social situation. But then I found myself nuzzling his ear, kissing it and the skin of his neck below it, moving downward until I ran into his collar and couldn't kiss any further without changing direction and moving back up along the pulse of his throat to his jaw. I felt his sudden intake of breath as he froze, his arm involuntary tightening around my shoulders. That's when I stopped, looked away, took a sip of wine, and wondered just what the hell it was I was up to.
Because the last thing in the world I want to do is mess things up with Leonard. He's been my rock through all of this, and if I push us down that road and things don't work out, if I end up driving him away, I don't think I could live with that. I know I would survive it, and the possibility that I would be hurt doesn't scare me nearly as much -- I mean, I'm not staying on the shelf forever, and breaking up with someone I'm not even involved with isn't on my immediate list of Things to Worry About. But I'm not willing to do anything that would hurt him, and I might already have done just that.
He knows -- he's not that drunk after all. "What else is on your mind'?"
I stare at the contents of my cooling cup, like the answer is written there, wishing it were. But it's not, so I silently rehearse what I know I should say before I put it down on the side table and look up at him.
And the second I do, the statement I was planning on making dissolves, leaving me with nothing but the truth.
"I'm sorry. I want to be with you. But I don't want to lose you."
He sets his cup down as well and moves closer to me so that I can move into his arms, then leans back, pulling me with him until he's half-lying underneath me, propped up by throw pillows and the arm of the couch. I inhale the scent of his shirt, of him, the scent I've detected around the apartment several times over the past few weeks that makes me freeze and sniff the air like a desert animal catching a hint of water on the wind, and I think how easy it would be to let my hands come up to his hair, to run through it with my fingers while my mouth renews the trek it started in the hotel bar, from his ear down his neck to his collar and back upward to his jaw, but now I would continue up to his mouth and it would be waiting for me, open and warm and tasting of whiskey, ready for my kiss. But it's too soon, and I know that he knows it too; we're still groping around in the dark of this new landscape in which my love and his orbit each other like twin stars while we observe the gravity that binds them to each other and wonder where our own places in the universe are. I feel ridiculously close to tears.
His heartbeat is steady in my ear, his next words reverberating through his chest under my head.
"You're not gonna lose me. But you need to know that I'm gonna take it very seriously if we decide to go there, that I'd do my damnedest to make it work out."
I do kiss him then, a chaste, sisterly touch on the lips before I settle back down on him to watch the sky outside lighten, to feel his breathing slow beneath me and the funny little jerks a body makes as it slides into sleep. And even though it's too soon, I know the want is there, and I selfishly trail my fingers over his sleeping chest, daring to skim down his side to his belt, imagining him inside me, his lips gentle on me, the stuttering of his thrusts and his throaty groans in my ear, the smooth skin of his back moistening under my hands as his climax comes upon him, the tiny goosebumps erupting beneath my fingertips, his cry of release muffled by the warm thumping skin of my neck.
And I think, if I ever have the chance to love this man, I should take it; if I can make him happy, even if it's not for the rest of our lives, even if it's just for a short time, surely whatever follows will be worth it.
I come early because I want enough time to enjoy. Come too late, leave too soon, not so much to enjoy. I order my drink from the bar woman; she is pretty nice, nice-looking, but not for me, too skinny. I smile at her and she says my drink is on top of the house and will not take my money. Good thing, I think.
The doctor and Miss Uhura come in and look around the room. They are early just like me. I wave at them and they come to me at the bar. Bar woman takes their order but it is not on top of the house. Doctor is making the joke about my drink. I tell him his drink is horse piss. Then he is telling me his family is in the eastern North American United States since before revolutionary war. I think he is very proud of this thing but it does not matter, his drink is still piss. Maybe piss and water. Miss Uhura wants white wine, girly drink. Doctor asks bar woman for the big table so I bring my drink and sit with them. Miss Uhura is touching doctor and laughing, and he is smiling very much. I see something wrong with his face, little scar on nose and little bruise on eyes, but he is seeming very happy. He asks waiter for more horse piss and wings of buffalo chicken. I do not know what animal is that.
Now the captain and Mr. Spock come in and they see us and come to the table. The doctor and Miss Uhura stand up and hug them many times. I shake everyone's hand, even Mr. Spock. Captain is hugging Miss Uhura for very long time and I am thinking oh no, Mr. Spock is angry, but he is busy to hug doctor very tight and say something straight in the ear that makes doctor smile and slap Mr. Spock on the shoulder. I am very surprised because I do not think Mr. Spock enjoys to touch the people. Captain sits next to doctor and hugs him around the shoulders, is joking with him very much, much laughing, but he is looking a little serious too, doctor just laughs and slaps captain on the leg and orders more horse piss. Asks captain and Mr. Spock what they want; captain is wanting beer, Mr. Spock also is wanting beer. Strange because I do not know Mr. Spock likes drink except water and tea that is smelling like cat piss. He sits next to captain and I am thinking oh no, Mr. Spock is angry that doctor and girlfriend are touching so much but he does not look angry. Very tall handsome waiter comes to take beer order and I order more drink for me and Miss Uhura. I am sitting next to her, she is looking very pretty and kisses me on the cheek.
Ah here is coming Hikaru and Miss Darwin. He is shaking everyone's hand and she is hugging me. I want to hug her for long time; her chest is soft like pillow, so nice. I am asking what drink for them. She is saying, she will have "vodka tonic." I know what is vodka but not tonic. I tell her, no tonic. She say yes, she will try. She is good woman. Hikaru is wanting rice wine. Maybe it is good, but he tells me it is warm, I think, not good.
Very handsome waiter brings wings of buffalo chicken and we are passing them around. Everyone takes but Mr. Spock and the captain. Mr. Spock, he is vegetable only. Captain is not, but still, he does not take wings. Strange because I know he is liking to eat meat. Waiter smiles at captain and asks, why you not take wings? I make you something else, something good you will enjoy, it is on top of the house. Captain shakes his head and handsome waiter smiles bigger, says come on, I know I am having something for you, you will like. Mr. Spock stares at waiter and captain says something vegetable.
Wings are so good but very hot. My face is red, I can feel. Doctor is laughing at me, he says, you want some horse piss to wash down? I tell him I die before drink his piss drink. Miss Darwin pats my arm, tells me vodka is good. I am thinking I want to sit in her lap.
Mr. Scott and Mr. Keenser are coming. I am having hard time now to see them because it is crowded, so many people. I am happy I come early. I see captain stand up and shake the hand of Mr. Scott and Mr. Scott pull captain in and hug him and cry little bit. Then he is hugging Miss Uhura and doctor and crying again. I think he is needing drink or maybe is already started. It is not matter, I order drink for them. They sit down and Mr. Scott is also making joke about my drink. I tell him his drink is cow piss. I am thinking Mr. Keenser is laughing but I cannot be for sure.
Very handsome waiter brings plate of fried potatoes and vegetable and something brown looks like pig shit, I do not know what is it. Captain and Mr. Spock try, say it is good. Waiter says to captain, anything else you want, I give you. Captain smiles no. Mr. Spock does not smile, stares at waiter and moves hand closer to captain's hand on table. Miss Darwin squeezes my leg. I am thinking I want to hug her pillow chest again.
Dr. Marcus comes to the table and everyone stands and hugs more. Doctor hugs for long time, Miss Uhura hugs and laughs, Mr. Spock shakes her hand, captain hugs too. She orders black beer from very handsome waiter and sits next to Mr. Keenser. I am thinking he is looking very happy but I am not for sure. She is wanting to sit next to captain but Mr. Spock will not move. She is needing to come more early like me.
I am enjoying very much. Doctor and captain are laughing, much hugging. Mr. Spock is looking happy even when very tall handsome waiter is asking captain does he like anything. Miss Uhura and doctor are leaning together, very happy. Dr. Marcus and Mr. Scott are talking very much about engines and weapons. I think maybe she is needing more beer. Mr. Scott is very happy, not needing any more cow piss, cannot talk well because too much already. Mr. Keenser is asking him if he is needing ride home.
I am sitting on the lap of Miss Darwin and she is very good kissing, taste like vodka. Hikaru is laughing loud, slapping me on the shoulder and asking if I am needing ride home.
I am thinking, no.
It was a bit of a tight fit in my car, Spock and me in the front seat and Leonard keeping an eye on Jim's vitals in the back. I think he was right to be concerned; Jim hadn't shown any signs of awakening, hadn't even twitched, since we used Dr. Piper's key chip to get him out of the hospital annex, and even to my untrained ear, his breathing was alarmingly slow. But none of us were too keen on checking him back into Medical, so we agreed that Leonard would stay with him in the hotel room until he woke up, and I decided on my own not to leave Leonard, especially after I saw the blood trickling down the back of his neck.
Once we got to the hotel, I dropped Spock off at the front so he could retrieve the wheelchair and a blanket from their room -- it would have attracted too much attention for us to bring Jim up in the lift in the same way we got him out of the Annex, half-dressed and barefoot and obviously unconscious. And although we had no reason to think anyone was after him anymore, what with both Dr. Boyce and Dr. Piper in custody at the Central Police Station, I don't think any of us drew a full breath until after we had gotten him up to the room and triple-locked the door behind us.
I'm not too proud of the fact that the first thing I did upon getting to the room was check if both the bed and the pull-out couch had been slept in, even less proud of my irritation that housekeeping had straightened both so that I couldn't tell. Spock laid Jim on the bed and drew the covers up over him while Leonard checked his pulse again.
"56. It's rising; that's a good sign."
I went into the bathroom to comm Scotty and tell him that the plan had worked, that Jim was at the coordinates I'd hacked off of Leonard's communicator from his call to Dr. Piper, and that we'd gotten him back. I promised to update him later when I had more news, and he promised to buy the first round at the hotel bar whenever we were ready for it.
I told him that I planned on holding him to that, but the sight that met me when I re-entered the room made the likelihood that we'd be celebrating together anytime soon seem rather remote. Spock was sitting on the couch, staring forlornly at Jim with his chin on his hands, while Leonard was barely maintaining his perch on the edge of the bed and clumsily wiping blood off the back of his head and neck with his own shirt. I went back to the bathroom for a towel.
"Here. Let me do that; you're just making a mess of yourself."
I got the worst of the blood off but the gash was still dribbling, so I made a pad of the towel and got him to lie down on it next to Jim on the bed. I don't think it was a good sign that he fell asleep almost immediately and I wondered what the chances were that he had a concussion. But if I was wary of checking Jim back into the hospital, I was doubly so for Leonard.
"I'll wait until he wakes up and then I'll take him back over to my place. I don't want him going back to Medical for a while."
Spock nodded and moved over on the couch to give me a place to sit. I pulled my shoes off and curled up next to him, surprised to feel his arm slide around me but more surprised that I welcomed the gesture.
"I cannot thank you as sufficiently as I wish to. My gratitude toward you and the doctor is boundless."
"You're the one that kicked ass in that room. I just held a phaser and waited for the dust to settle."
That was actually true; Spock is formidable when calm but deadly when provoked, and by the time the police arrived, it was plain that the doctors and their hired thug had a few more injuries than what would have been strictly necessary to subdue them.
We were silent for a few moments until I caught sight of the pendant around his neck and reached up to touch it with one finger.
"Did he tell you?"
"He did. It is of no concern to me."
His arm tightened around my shoulders as he turned his head toward me, surprising me again by touching his lips to my forehead.
"Nyota, I am sorry. I know the fault was mine; my neglect and deception were inexcusable. I truly wish that you and I shall remain friends in spite of my behavior. I know that it is also his desire, not just for you and me but for the two of you as well."
I must have been out of my mind from post-adrenaline exhaustion, because in that moment, as we snuggled together on the couch and watched Jim and Leonard sleep, I thought it just might be possible.
***
I don't know how much time had passed before I woke up, my legs and Spock both asleep under me and the room in almost total darkness. I reached over him to turn on the lamp on the side table.
A sudden bellow from the direction of the bed made me cry out in alarm, eliciting a second, lower bark and bringing Spock to immediate wakefulness. It would have been comical to see the four of us staring wildly around the room at each other if my heart hadn't been hammering so painfully from fright.
Jim was sitting straight up in the bed, shivering uncontrollably, his eyes huge as they flew from face to face. "What..what are you all doing here?"
Leonard rolled up and grabbed Jim's wrist to take his pulse; he responded by jerking his arm away, his startled gaze taking in Leonard's half-reclining position on the bed and his shirtless upper body before moving to gape at Spock and me tangled together on the couch.
"What the fuck is going on?!"
I couldn't help it; I started to laugh, and it felt so damn good that I didn't stop, even when the giggles turned into tears that not even Leonard's arms around me could stop.
It wasn't so much the violent shaking -- as a body used to getting too little sleep, I'd learned how to make the most of what I could, and a little physical violence wasn't going to get me out of that bed -- but the urgency in Nyota's tone that made me force my eyes open.
"Leonard, wake up. Spock's comming you."
And that was the second thing that got me sitting up and reaching for Nyota's hand to take the communicator. We'd agreed to maintain comm silence to keep from being tracked; if Spock was violating that agreement, it meant that he figured there was no longer any need to keep themselves hidden. Which could only mean one thing, really.
I didn't have to ask but did anyway, just in case I was wrong.
"Spock, what's going on?"
His voice was pretty calm, normal on the surface for Spock, but I could sense the tremor of concern underneath.
"They have taken the captain."
"What happened?"
"He opened the door. They were waiting outside."
I admit there are a few things I'm a little irrational about, a few phobias, but I've never really been paranoid about anything, and the suspicions I'd harbored against Phil never really sat right with me; I would have been glad to be wrong about him, and Piper too. But it looked like I wasn't.
"Okay. Let me handle it."
"Doctor..."
"No, it's all right. I know these people. If they're the ones that have him, I'm the one with the best shot at getting him back."
Spock seemed at a loss for words. I cut off his transmission and entered Piper's code; he answered right away.
"Mark. Where is he?"
A few seconds of silence, then Piper's voice, sounding tired or maybe resigned. "He's here at Medical. Come by, meet me at the Annex entrance, and I'll take you to him. Come unarmed and don't bring your communicator. And leave your lady friend behind too."
I kicked myself for being an idiot; our little room switch hadn't fooled anyone, and now I'd put Nyota at risk as well.
She took the communicator from my hand and replaced it with the key chip to her car. "Go ahead. I'll be fine."
I looked down at the key chip, then remembered that my own car was still parked at Medical from my shift two days before.
"I can't take this. You have to get away if this all goes to hell."
She smiled tightly and pressed the key chip into my hand, hard enough to hurt. "It'll be all right. I'll make a few calls."
***
The Annex is essentially the old hospital, or what's left of it, a block away from the main Medical complex; they use it nowadays for hospital administration offices and as storage space for unused equipment and old patient records. There's a little museum on the main floor where you can see displays of old-fashioned surgical instruments along with photographs and holos of the hospital in the good old days of sutures and plaster casts. I couldn't fathom why they'd take Jim there, of all places.
Piper was waiting for me out front, a stained windbreaker zipped over his scrubs. Under the circumstances, it would have been bizarre for him to shake my hand, but he offered it anyway with the same resignation I heard in his voice earlier. I didn't take it.
"Leo, I'm sorry. I tried to get you to stay away."
"Where is he?"
He patted me down to make sure I didn't have anything on me, then led me into the building. We took the lift down to the basement and wound around the storage crates lining the old linoleum hallways to a second lift. Mark held up a key chip to unlock the panel, then pressed the single down button.
The lift doors opened into a second basement. I'd never been in this part of the Annex, didn't even know it existed. Unlike the level we had just left, the floors were new, the walls not covered with old, cracked paint but sleek and bright. Modern doors, each with a combination keypad, lined a well-lit hallway. Mark led me down to one of the last rooms, punched the code into the keypad, and stood aside to let me enter.
Jim was lying on an examination table, naked and unconscious, the contents of an I.V. bottle dripping slowly into a port on the back of one hand. Sedative, I assumed. Phil Boyce had a hold of his other hand to keep the arm elevated while he palpated the brachial muscles. He didn't look up at me as I came in.
A wave of that same revulsion hit me, just like before when Spock and I walked in on him stroking Jim's legs. I charged toward them but got yanked back by a sudden hand on my shoulder, a grip too strong to be Piper's. I hadn't seen the guard just inside the door, but I sure as hell felt his phaser digging into my kidney now. I struggled anyway until that phaser hit me across the back of the head, driving me to my knees in a daze. From my new vantage point, I could see a pile of what looked to be Jim's discarded clothing against the opposite wall.
"Get your hands off him." My voice sounded spindly to my ears.
"Remarkable, isn't it, Leonard?" he murmured, almost crooning, as if I hadn't spoken at all. "The musculature, so well developed after three weeks of coma and bedrest."
He was right. Even dizzy from the blow and the pain meds, I could still see it; you'd have to be blind not to. Jim's body looked like it had been carved from marble, prominent muscles starkly defined in the surgical light. I tried to change the subject.
"How'd you get sprung?"
He put Jim's arm down and proceeded to manipulate his deltoids and pectorals, still not looking at me. "You don't get to where I am without having friends in high places. Section 31 takes care of its own."
Great. Another paranoid loony just like Marcus. If I'd been in better command of my faculties, I might not have snorted.
Piper spoke up behind me. "Leo, we'd like your help."
That was an easy one. "No."
"Now now, wait until you hear what it is we want." Boyce finished his manipulation of Jim's upper body and moved down to the end of the table to examine his feet and legs.
"It doesn't matter what you want, you won't get it from me."
Phil palpated Jim's left gastrocnemius as he answered. "You should know all the facts before you make that decision. Section 31 isn't only about arms development; we also have a Human enhancement program. This room and all the others in this subbasement are devoted to the discovery of ways to make people healthier, stronger, longer-lived. Alex Marcus didn't wake Khan up just to have him make weapons for us. He also wanted to study him, his physical traits and performance, with the goal of replicating the old experiments that originally created him and his people."
"Why? To make a bunch of super-soldiers to go fight the Klingons?"
"That's not the only reason," Piper said from behind me as Boyce's probing fingers skated upward to Jim's left thigh. "Imagine a world where people's lives are longer and better because of what we learn from Khan. We don't want to create a new race of superior beings; we just want to use the information they can give us to eliminate disease and the suffering that comes with it. We want you to be a part of that."
Dazed as I was, I couldn't help barking out a laugh. "You actually believe that crap? Newsflash, son, there's a reason the Eugenics records were sealed -- so that no one would repeat the efforts that led to that war in the first place! You think you're going to be able to put the genie back in that bottle once you've gotten what you want?"
Phil moved to the opposite side of the table to inspect Jim's other leg, speaking with his back toward me as he did so. "It's as simple as this: the Human race will be exterminated very shortly if we don't prepare ourselves. Nothing is more important than that, regardless of what your so-called ethics suggest."
"So that's how you justify kidnapping a man, drugging him, and analyzing him like he was some kind of bacterium in a petri dish?"
Boyce straightened from the examination table and turned to face me, leaning against the table and folding his arms. "It would have been better if he'd stayed in the hospital in the first place." He nodded down at Jim. "We could have examined him without the need for all this. But you forced our hand by releasing him early."
I shook my head in disbelief; he actually seemed to buy into his own bullshit. I looked over the guard's hand, still on my shoulder, at Piper.
"Mark, I can't believe you're in on this. You're better than that."
He looked genuinely apologetic. "I'm sorry, Leo. But there's a bigger picture here, a greater purpose. An end to illness, perhaps even to death. Surely, as a healer, you can see the tremendous value in that."
"Yes I do, but not at his expense. What you're doing here is wrong; he wouldn't want this."
Phil crossed the room to pull several vacutainer tubes from a cabinet on the wall, stuffing them into the breast pocket of his lab coat. "What he wants is immaterial compared to what we can learn from him and the good we can do with that knowledge."
"Good? You're so full of shit your eyes should be brown. There's a reason that what you're doing has been banned since Tuskegee -- it's the equivalent of medical rape."
He returned to the exam table and picked up Jim's hand, then tilted his head to look down at me.
"If you really care so much, here's your chance to prove it. I'll let him go on one condition."
My vision blurred; I didn't think I was going to be upright for much longer.
"What is it?"
"That you give me everything you have on his treatment aboard the Enterprise before he arrived here at Medical."
I almost agreed on the spot. The records consisted of little more than biobed readings, and good luck to anyone trying to get anything meaningful out of them.
But then he continued: "And, you tell me exactly what you did to bring this dead man back to life."
I hoped to hell they didn't notice the quick shiver that ran up the back of my neck. "That's already in my report. I performed CPR, intubated him, electrically and chemically restarted his heart. There's nothing I did that any emergency med tech wouldn't have done."
Boyce smiled slightly and began filling tube after tube with Jim's blood, tapping it directly from the I.V. port on his hand. "Oh, I beg to differ. There were plenty of witnesses in your Sickbay and in the corridors who told of their poor dead captain zipped up inside a body bag. I'm not stupid, Leonard. I know Kirk was dead, that you did something to him that involved Khan, something that amounted to physical and mental resurrection. Something that allowed him to recover in a matter of days from the effects of a coma that would keep a normal person bedridden for months if not permanently. Something that altered his body composition to the point that his lean body mass exceeds what it was when you yourself recorded it at his last physical exam, in spite of his having been comatose for two weeks. Did you really think I wouldn't notice?"
He moved across the room to put the tubes in a lab cooler, then turned and motioned to the guard to bring me to my feet. It was a good thing he still had a grip on my shoulder because I couldn't stand without leaning on him, and even then, I felt myself swaying into the phaser in my back.
"I won't need Kirk if I have you. Tell me what you did, and I'll let him go. "
I didn't figure he would, even if I did. And the possibility that he might then use Khan and his people as plasma production units sickened me almost as much as him fondling Jim's flesh.
"Go fuck yourself."
Boyce sighed and shook his head. "Then you're condemning both of you. I'll just get what I need from him eventually, and you, unfortunately, will have to disappear. Can't have you spreading all this--" he nodded at Jim "-- around."
I was getting real tired of his bullshit, real fast.
"You don't have the sack to kill me."
"You're right about that, but he does." He nodded at the guard behind me. Beside me, Piper was stunned.
"Phil, no! That's not what we discussed!"
"Don't be an idiot. If he won't cooperate, we need to get him out of the way."
Mark moved faster than I'd have thought such a big guy could move and shoved me, hard, to the side. The guard's grip on me loosened enough for me to tuck and roll away; I didn't see while Mark go for the phaser, but I knew he had when I heard a grunt from the guard followed by the sound of the weapon discharging.
For a moment, I thought I'd been hit; my body didn't feel like it belonged to me anymore, and I could barely see through the bleariness in my eyes. But when I looked around, disoriented from the odd perspective, I saw Boyce lying near me on the floor. And as I stared at him, I saw him brighten, yellow beams playing across the white of his lab coat, and, glory be, I heard the sound of Spock's voice, and Nyota's. And after that I don't remember much of anything except Nyota propping me up against the wall and sitting next to me, her hand warm on my thigh, both of us watching Spock walk up to the examination table, reach down for Jim, and pull him tightly to his chest.
It has been my practice for many years to meditate during the evening hours, to allow the events of the day to coalesce as I examine each experience, glean what is to be gained from it, and catalog it for possible reference in the future before discharging it from my supraliminal mind. It is by these means that I maintain a certain orderliness of thought, a discipline of cognition in which arbitrary thoughts and memories do not indiscriminately occupy my awareness to claim attention away from the matters at hand and thus distract me from my immediate purpose.
Perhaps under ordinary circumstances I would find it unsettling that I now feel the need for an additional morning meditation interval as well; indeed, the necessity to supplement my mind with a further occasion in which to facilitate its organization reflects a newly increased disquiet in my consciousness. However, the burden of that disquiet is one that I would gladly -- no, joyfully -- bear for the rest of my days.
He is a most disturbing presence.
Our bond is strong, our minds already attuned even without the intervention of a healer, and I am finding it most difficult to resist the temptation to luxuriate endlessly in the space between us. His thoughts are chaotic and untidy but compelling, intoxicating in their power and fascinating in their complexity; were he to successfully incorporate the practices I myself utilize to bring structure to that chaos, his would be the most exceptional of minds. I have attempted to instruct him in the techniques of meditation, but aside from the half-hour he spent yesterday disabling the room's smoke detection system in order that we may use my fire-pot as a focal point, he has achieved little of value as of yet. Quite the opposite, in fact; our first meditation session last evening ended, rather shortly after it began, with him launching himself across the floor at me, pinning me down by the shoulders as he sat on my thighs, and announcing that meditation was "stupid" and that he would prefer to spend our time together "getting naked" rather than enhancing the discipline of his mind.
Undisciplined though it may be, its allure is such that I must avail myself of these early morning hours to deliberately distance myself from his consciousness as he sleeps and attempt to restore order to my own.
But even in sleep, we seek each other's touch. I have insisted that we maintain separate sleeping spaces, his on the bed and mine on the sofa, to mitigate the proclivity on both of our parts to engage in intimate physical contact. I cannot help but be mindful of the strain that such contact evidently places on him, untrained and unaccustomed as he is to the bond and the concomitant connection it establishes between our minds. Despite its prodigious cognitive abilities, his is after all a Human brain with Human physiology, and the ease with which it is overwhelmed by the contact we have already, unwisely, enjoyed has been clearly evidenced, despite his protestations to the contrary. Indeed, he has since entreated me to join him in his bed, and while my heart rejoices at his ardor, I know it to be at the very least unwise until such time as his mind can prove itself capable of withstanding both the mental and emotional intimacy that such activities between bonded individuals entail. My concern for his well-being is such that I believe myself to be sufficiently disciplined in this regard, that I will not endanger him further with physical expressions of affection. Yet we both continue, involuntarily, to circumvent my best intentions; this morning, for instance, I awoke to find him sitting on the floor next to the sofa, his arm draped across my legs and his face pillowed on my groin as he slept, unaware that he had moved in his sleep to find me. Similarly I have awakened from sleep to find myself not upon the sofa where I had originally retired but in the bed with him, my body wrapped around him from behind and my mouth on the back of his neck.
How easy it would have been, I reflect now, to remain there, in that position, with him, to brush my lips against the soft curls of his hair so unlike my own, to press gentle kisses down his neck to his upper back, to feel him awaken under my touch and sigh and push back into me, pressing himself into my growing hardness as my hand moves to caress his side, his hip, to push down the waistband of his shorts and gain access to the treasure underneath, the cleft between his buttocks along which I trail my fingers, gentle at first and then more demanding, opening him with my hand, pressing into him with my fingers, hearing his gasps of pleasure as I twist and curl inside him until he reaches blindly back for me, grasping me to pull me toward him, begging me without words and I obey, removing my hand to push his thigh up to allow me access, pushing myself completely inside him and pausing as he groans at the fullness, then moving, slowly, to withdraw and enter again, and again, rolling him onto his stomach so that I lie on top of him, moving on top of him, moving into him again, and again, my breath coming faster as he squirms and moans beneath me, pleading for
more
harder
his hips bucking against me, his hands clawing at the sheets, and again, and again, and now I cannot hold back any longer, I hammer helplessly into him, all control is lost, I claim him, he is mine, I roar my triumph and he responds with a jagged cry as I convulse inside him, gasping, disintegrating, slowing as I fall upon him to lay my pounding heart against the damp coolness of his skin.
I come back to reality only to discover that I must once again wash away the evidence of my weakness.
He is awake now, blue eyes peering at me from behind the pillow he holds in his arms, a knowing, impish smile on his face. I consider disavowing my lapse but recall that he willingly showed me everything, every vulnerability, and I cannot answer that courageous act with even the mildest of untruths.
"I'll get you a towel."
He rolls off the bed, nearly as sure on his feet as he was before the Vengeance incident, stumbling only once, slightly, on the way to the bathroom.
"Shit, we're out of clean ones. Maybe there's a cart in the hall."
I recognize the error too late; he has already opened the door and craned his head outside to look.
James NO
what oh
The slight but audible hiss of a hypospray, the sight of his body falling and disappearing before it hits the floor, and I am off the sofa, lunging toward the open door. But the hallway is already silent, empty, as I look to one side and the other, no trace of him or his abductor.
My distress outweighs the need for circumspection; I reach for my communicator and enter the doctor's code.
There have been times when I've been so exhausted, usually by long shifts at work but sometimes by other things too, that I've prayed for the chance to just put my dogs up and lie in bed all day, nothing to do but read my PADD and drift in and out of sleep, knowing that there's absolutely nothing that needs done and nobody that needs caring for, getting shitloads of rest.
Well, the hell with that. After doing nothing but lying in bed for the past 24 hours, I've never been so goddamned tired in my life.
I felt pretty good when I woke up after the surgery they did to put my skull back together, thanks to the meet-your-maker pain meds I was pumped up on. But once they wore off, and after Nyota left for the night, my face was hurting too much let me sleep, and I didn't want to ask the night nurse for more meds -- I know how easy it is to ramp up and out of control on that junk. So I lay awake for long stretches, itching to turn on my side but not being able to, and marking the time by listening to the sounds of the ward. It's funny how you never really lose the sense of the rhythm of a hospital, even if you're not on shift, to the point that, even if I did eventually fall asleep, I would jolt awake every hour on the hour, just before the nurse would come in to check my vitals and initial my chart. So by morning rounds at 07:00, I felt as bone-weary as if I hadn't slept at all.
But I perked up when the new attending on the floor came in to check on me. It had been several years since I'd last seen Mark Piper, but I'd recognize his disheveled bulk anywhere. Mark's as slovenly as Boyce is neat, and he has absolutely none of his polish, but I remember him as being sympathetic, honest, and a damn fine physician to boot. I do have to say, I think he could stand to steal a starched lab coat from Phil's closet; there's something about that fat white stomach sticking out from under a scrub top that's none too appealing.
"Leo! What the hell are you doing in here?" He shook my hand with sincerity, another thing Boyce was lacking. After reading my chart, he answered his own question. "Hmph. Got knocked on your ass, huh?"
"Something like that."
"Exactly like that," he rumbled. "Says here you were out for two hours while they patched your face back together, and then you didn't wake up for another hour and a half after that. Sounds like you need to stay in here for at least one more day, son."
Another day in isolation, not knowing how Jim was doing, if Spock was able to keep him under wraps...I groaned in genuine dismay. "Mark, please. It's killing me to be in here. I've got someone to stay with me and keep an eye on me for the next few days, so can't you just let me go? Professional courtesy?"
He tapped the PADD with a stubby finger. "Tell you what. I'll release you if you promise to take a full two weeks off. Don't show your face around here until those black eyes are back to normal and check in with me in a week's time. Sound like a good deal to you?"
I nodded, but I could sense there was something else.
Mark leaned on the foot of my bed, frowning at the PADD. "Says here Phil Boyce was the one who took a swing at you. What'd he do that for?"
I shrugged. "Didn't like my call on a patient of his. I discharged him, he disagreed, I disagreed back, he decked me. End of story."
"Hell of a story, Doctor. Don't take you for the disagreeing type."
"We all have our moments."
"Hmph." He tapped the PADD again. "Who was the patient?"
I thought I could trust Mark, but I'd thought I could trust Phil, too. I tried to sound nonchalant.
"Captain Jim Kirk. He'd already been here over two weeks and was raring to go, so I cut him loose. Phil took it personally."
"I read his notes. Says he thinks Kirk's recovery was a little too rapid. Thought something wasn't quite on the up and up."
I had started to frown as I wondered why an attending would note suspicions like that on a patient's chart when the thought bubbled up...If Piper already knew the patient in question was Jim, why did he just ask me for his name?
I forced the frown into nonexistence as my own suspicions grew. Mark was waiting for a response, so I played the only card I had.
"That might could be. Mr. Spock performed a mind-meld with the captain before we got him down to Medical. I don't know how that would affect his recovery time, but I wouldn't bet against it speeding things up a bit."
Mark raised his eyebrows at that but didn't comment as he scribbled on the PADD. "Maybe."
I waited, hoping the look on my face was an honest one.
"All right, Leo, let's get you out of here." Mark hung the PADD back on the wall and hitched up his scrubs. "Can someone pick you up after 1600?"
"I'll comm her now."
***
By the time we walked through Nyota's front door, I was more than ready for one of those little red pills rattling in my pocket. It must have showed.
"Go lie down. I'll bring you something in a minute."
"Something" turned out to be a bowl containing equal parts mashed potatoes and baked beans and a glass of sweet tea that made one of those pills go down pretty easy. Half an hour later, pleasantly full and reasonably comfortable, I could feel myself heading for the first real sleep I'd had in weeks.
She pulled my shoes off, turned down the covers, and helped me underneath, sliding in next to me and tucking her head under my arm. Her hand on my chest was light and warm.
She caught sight of my left hand. "What happened to your ring?"
I held my hand up so we could both see it, the paler indentation on the little finger still visible amid the puffiness and bruising Jim had caused the other morning, when they left.
"Jim fucked up my wrist, sprained it pretty bad. They had to cut the ring off because my hand swelled up so big."
"Do you still have it?"
I fumbled around in my pants pocket and found it lying hidden beneath the bottle of little red pills. I pulled both of them out and handed her the ring, its circle broken nearly in the center of the band.
She turned it over in her fingers as she tried to read the inscription inside. "Whose initials are these? And...a date?"
I nodded. "That's for our baby, Jocelyn's and mine, the one we lost."
I felt her freeze in dismay and squeezed her with my other arm to reassure her, my head getting heavy and warm as the drugs kicked in.
"It's okay. Maybe later you can come with me to get it fixed, if you know a good place."
She was silent for several minutes, then reached over me to put the ring on the bedside table before settling back down next to me and burying her face in my side. Her voice when she next spoke was muffled, thick with tears.
"How did you get through it?"
I was spiraling down into a place where the pain was dulling, nearly absent, and I could answer her truthfully.
"We didn't."
It's almost light when I wake up, not quite dawn but that time right before that Sam and I used to call Stupid Fucking Bird Time, because there always seemed to be these one or two songbirds who were evidently too fucking stupid to realize that 3 a.m. doesn't count as daytime yet and would start singing in the darkness, all by themselves, and we'd giggle and snort and come up with more and more insulting names for them as we lay there in the darkness too, waiting for the sounds from downstairs to begin, the signal that it wasn't safe to laugh anymore.
It takes me a minute to realize where I am; I'd gotten used to the outlines of the hospital room, and this one is even smaller, although the bed is bigger and a hell of a lot more comfortable. I sit up and look around for Bones and Spock, going one for two as I catch the outline of Spock's head against the faint glow of the front window.
"Are you well?'
"Yeah. What happened?"
"You fainted."
"The hell you say."
"It is true."
I remember the meld and the odd, squirmy feeling of having someone else look inside your head, but overall, I think I handled it okay. The fact that Spock is still here and still talking to me and hasn't run screaming out of the room, or killed me, or something in between those two, seems like a pretty good sign.
Then I remember the kiss, and that's when I realize, yeah, he's right. Not my best moment.
But in my own defense, it wasn't like a normal kiss at all. He had his mouth on my fingers, and that was freakishly hot; even though I was still kind of worked up about the meld, there was something about that contact that was so much more erotic than I would have thought it would be. Then he pulled my head toward him as he leaned in, not to kiss me on the mouth (which is what I was expecting, so I was already debating whether I should slip him some tongue or not and had just about decided on no, since I didn't yet have an idea of how far he was ready to go, plus I didn't know if Vulcans had some taboo against tongues, and I didn't want to fuck it up the very first time) but on the side of the neck, right below my ear.
I normally don't get all wiggly and weak-kneed over sex stuff -- I mean, I like it and all, but it's not like I lose control. But the feel of his lips on my neck totally paralyzed me, and I could feel my eyes rolling up, closing by themselves, and hear myself making the weirdest sound, like a high-pitched sighing whine, and I think I might have jizzed my jeans but I don't know for sure, because that's when he moved to kiss me on the mouth. And that, that was like the time Sam and I went out cow-tipping at Stupid Fucking Bird Time and I was running ahead of him toward the pasture, laughing while he yelled at me from behind, and I turned around to taunt him for being slow and ran right into the force field surrounding the herd, and that fucker sent me flying through the air, ten meters or more until I landed on my back on the ground, the wind completely knocked out of me, unable to do shit but listen to Sam alternate between calling me a fucking idiot and begging me to open my eyes.
So yeah, maybe comparing that kiss to being six years old and getting knocked out by an electric fence isn't the most romantic thing, but it's pretty accurate. I didn't exactly faint; it felt more like someone hit my knees from behind to make them buckle, and I felt him grab me to hold me up until he figured out there was no way in hell I was going to be standing up any more, at which point he picked me up and put me on the bed. And that was sweet, feeling him lying next to me, stroking my face and hair and arms, murmuring apologies for overwhelming my puny Human mind with his hot Vulcan love (okay, not his words, but that's basically what he meant), as I gradually passed out, laughing a little bit at myself for thinking I was the one who should be taking it slow on him.
So here we are, hours later, in a posh hotel room in the wee small hours of Stupid Fucking Bird Time, me and the guy I've been drooling over for like a year, him on the couch and me on the big-ass bed, and he's not screaming at me or killing me, plus he kissed me, so I guess he likes me too, even after all the shit he saw in my head. So naturally, all I can think about is food.
I mean, I am so fucking hungry it isn't even funny. And he gets up from the couch like he already knows and brings over a sandwich and a cup of soup. God only knows what was in them, but they were awesome. And as I'm chewing I'm thinking, how far does this knowing thing go? So I think it really hard at him, as he's making coffee with his back to me,
How far does this knowing thing go?
And I hear, or see, or something in between but not really either,
Impressions ideas feelings
Whoa fuck
I feel him laugh in my head, and I remember the times in the hospital room when Bones told me I was cracked for saying that Spock was laughing or getting all emotional, and I realize I've been getting those impressions ideas feelings from him ever since I woke up but didn't know it.
He brings a cup of coffee over to me, setting it down on the bedside table and taking the empty bowl out of my hand while I try to think something else at him.
I'm really really sorry
And I don't feel laughter from him, more like the kind of smile people give you when you do something stupid and they're trying to humor you by smiling at you with their head tilted to one side, like they're saying, Aw, isn't that cute, you did something totally fucking stupid.
Serious damn it
I know
And he's holding the soup bowl and looking down at me as I'm sitting on the bed, watching me washing down the last of the sandwich with the coffee,
Soup...
and he leans in and down to lick the corner of my mouth with the point of his tongue.
Gahhhhhh
By which I mean, Oh, I presume Spock observed an errant drop of soup on my lip and wished to use it as an excuse to make smoking hot contact with me. Yeah, that.
I almost drop the coffee cup but he pulls it from my hand and puts it on the night table as he gently pushes me back down onto the bed. I guess he's thinking I'll faint again or something, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to until I feel all the blood drain from my head and go straight to my dick.
Uh oh
I've done it before, been so eager that I fucked up a good thing by going too far too fast, and I don't want to do that here, with him. So I'm trying not to lose my head and not push for more, which is hard to do with him above me, now, pale in the growing light, those eyes and that mouth, and all I want to do is
Kiss please
And he does, his lips just as soft and tasty as they were in my
Dream?
Idea impression feeling bond space
and I guess there's no Vulcan taboo against tongues after all because his sweeps right in, hotter and more delicious than the coffee, and I know I'm getting overwhelmed again because I start trembling all over, like every muscle in my body is cramping and releasing together, and there isn't fuck I can do about it except bring my hands up to grab his hair, to hold his face to mine so that he never leaves me,
Stay
Yes
so that he'll understand.
And now his hands are on my shirt, diving under and pulling up, and I have to let go of his hair so he can slide it over and off me, flinging it off the bed and coming back to kiss me again, his hands roaming over my bare chest and shoulders, trailing down my sides to my hips and back up, not fast but still urgent, and I realize he
Want to fuck me
Yes yes
is actually hot for me in a way I didn't think he could be, being all logical most of the time except when I'm pissing him off. Which, given the weird growling noises he's making right now, I just might be.
Angry
No aroused you so you I cannot
Ha, he's so horny he can't even think straight. I can feel my own caution slipping away and the eagerness taking over; my shaking hands move from his head to his back, grabbing his shirt and pulling to let him know I want it off, and he sits up on top of me, straddling me with his thighs as he tugs his shirt
My shirt
Yes your scent oh fragrant
over his head and my hands are on him, pushing him back when he wants to lean forward to cover me, pushing him up so I can see him and feel him, his skin like burning silk under my palms. And his eyes are closed, his mouth relaxed and open a little, and now open a lot as my hands find his cock, hot and hard and leaking, and I trace around it with trembling fingers and squeeze it through his trousers.
Then I freeze because I see it, the mark I left on his collarbone, the bruise that I made when I tried to block him out, to keep him from seeing what I want to do to him, and the memory of what I did, with her.
Oh no
I
Oh God
And the shaking gets worse, it's rocking the whole damn bed.
Look
He takes his fingers and traces the bite, holding my eyes with his gaze
Look at me
as he pushes, first gently, then more and more, until his fingers are pressing so hard that the blood is pushed away, the bruise I left paling and another mark of his own making appearing over it
See
and I understand that he's sorry, for keeping his truth from me as well.
The shaking is so bad now and he knows I'm on the edge of losing it, that I can't take any more before my mind shuts down again and that it's time to back off. He moves off my hips, seating himself between my legs and pulling me upright so that we're both sitting with our legs folded around each other's hips, arms clasped around each other's backs, skin against skin and chins resting on each other's shoulders. He holds me and tries to quiet me, both of us remembering.
This is what is real
Yes
You never leave me
Never, beloved
Good
And his mouth is on my neck again, moving slowly to my shoulder, then my forehead, everywhere, and I think, yeah, dying the first time sucked, but dying right now, like this, would be okay.
I hear his steps in the hallway, a slow but determined gait that pauses for a moment
Shit I don't have a key chip
and resumes as I too head for the door, to open it for him.
He pushes past me without a word, dropping the admiral's cane to one side and pulling off his jacket as he moves past the bed toward the window opposite. I close the door behind him and follow.
"Captain, where have you--"
He whirls unsteadily around to face me, his face contorted with emotions I cannot begin to decode. I come to a halt directly in front of him, unsure as to how to respond.
"Don't. Just don't. I don't have to tell you anything."
His cheeks are flushed, his eyes bright as he glares at me for a moment before suddenly seizing my hand and pulling it to his face, forcing my fingers onto his meld points.
"Do it," he hisses, and I feel the black waves of his anger, some of which is directed at me, some not.
I try to tear my hand away, wary of the intrusion, but his strength is that of Khan, his grip on my hand cold iron.
"Do it," he says again, quieter this time, with despair more frightening than his anger before, but his grasp does not waver, and I cannot withdraw from him. And then, I have no wish to. For I am back in that space I have missed so dearly, amid the lightning of his thoughts, the myriad passions that govern him, returning once again to the brilliance of the mind that I have thirsted for these past weeks and feared I would never experience again.
My joy is too great; I sway on my feet, delirious with elation. But his hand only tightens, painfully, on mine, and his tone is grim as he tells me
There's more
and leads me down, from the bright landscape on the surface down into the dark places below.
I have not been here before; these spaces are new to me, these are things I have never seen, things I know he does not open but rarely, even to himself, and I wonder at his ability to conceal them from me before, at the uncommon strength of his mind. We observe them together, now, my gaze fixed on his eyes, bitter blue pools that fill as I watch and overflow onto his cheeks.
Here is Jim using Gaila to obtain the Kobayashi Maru code in order to alter it, cheat it, cheat death
cheat her
enticing her with his body as a means to an end, as it has always been for him. And here is his furious embarrassment at being called out, the lingering shame over what I must think of him for his end run around death, for his unwillingness to look it in the face, for his
cowardice
And we go lower to find his guardian Frank holding a furry, squirming creature, a pet he told the boys they could have but is now taking away because they cry too much, whine too much, just like the pup now cries and whines as it struggles to reach its young friends, their faces streaked with tears of rage and grief. And here is Jim's anger at the unjust cruelty but also his guilt and shame that Frank is right, that it is his fault, that his deficiencies have caused this loss, and he swears to himself that he will
never show anyone, ever again
And here is Sam, the only person in the world Jim has fully revealed himself to, leaving home, leaving him behind, and Jim knows that it is his fault, that he and not Frank drove Sam away, he leaned on him too much, needed too much from him until he fled the suffocation of his
stupid kid brother, stupid crybaby
And here is Jim and the automobile, his father's car that he will never let Frank have, that he will sooner destroy than give up, and as it plunges over the edge of the quarry, the exultation of victory is there, yes, but so is the grief at the destruction of the last thing that connects him to the legend of George Kirk and the guilt that he could not hold on to it, he could not withstand the torment of
seeing that asshole drive around in it like he owned it, like he had any right to it, any right to anything that was dad's
hating his own fragility, hating himself, hating everyone...
And here we are, on the transporter pad, preparing for the rescue of Captain Pike from the Narada, and he watches me holding Nyota and wishes it were him instead, the shock when he realizes that it is my embrace he craves, my lips on his mouth, my hands on his back, not hers as he first supposed, the comprehension causing him to reel with its force, his mind staggering under its newfound awareness...
that's crazy fucking crazy what the hell is wrong with you you fucking idiot
And we go lower, into the cloudy, fragmented memory of a night several weeks ago, the celebration after having cheated the volcano on Nibiru, Jim and Scott and Sulu and Leonard and Nyota, in the captain's quarters, and the bourbon and the wine and the scotch are flowing, and the friends are all inebriated and laughing and telling stories, and she remains, while the others stumble out, to help him clean up the mess they have made of his cabin, and he reaches around her to pick up a shot glass, and she turns toward him, cold and lonely because of my neglect, and kisses him, wraps herself around him, pushes him backwards onto his bunk, and he falls clumsily
wait what
as she tears first his trousers, then his briefs, down to his knees, alarmed but not enough to twist away as she readies him roughly with her mouth,
the hell
not enough to protest when she climbs on top of him,
crazy oh shit
not wanting but wanting her, tasting her with lips anesthetized by alcohol, uncoordinated hands batting ineffectually at her arms and breasts as she pants above him,
spinning helpless
and groaning with numbed pleasure as he releases inside her. And their waking together, hours later, each half naked and fearful of the truth, wanting to believe it means nothing but knowing...
oh God
And lower still, to the thoughts he has kept entombed for months, the desire for me, the anticipation of my footfalls, my voice, the ache for my touch, yes, but more as well, for my eyebrow raised in astonishment, my mouth quirking in amusement, my eyes dropping in submission and raising again in challenge, my heart quickening with admiration and respect, my face softening in love. And the physical want is there as well, every gentle, tender gesture he has ever hoped to bestow and receive in return as well as every debauched act he can think of that leads to our shocked intakes of breath, our ragged moans and screams of ecstasy, our exhausted embraces as we tumble together toward sleep...
And lower to the very bottom at last, to the gaping need, the void that he believes will never be filled, the want of a true companion who will see all this, know all this, and love him anyway despite his belief that he is unlovable, stay with him through the fear of his own inconstancy, devote a lifetime to him when
I don't deserve it
"You sure you still want that bond?"
His voice is at once defiant and hopeless, a warrior with the sword at his throat, awaiting the stroke but refusing to kneel.
In the end, it will make no difference
I may not have him because he will never be mine to take
I pull my hand away at last, my fingers wet with his furious tears.
Oh James
Oh my dear one
My voice is unsteady, low-pitched and breaking on the words as my own heart breaks for him.
"How could you think there is any darkness within you that is not within myself as well?"
He is rigid, disbelieving.
I take his hand and place my two fingers into his palm, folding it around them, inviting him to cling to me.
This is what is real
You are not alone
I never leave you
I raise my other hand to the side of his head, to the fine golden curls clustering around his ear, and draw his fingers up to my mouth, brushing the first two with my lips, so that he will understand.
I'd been visiting with Leonard for about half an hour when Kirk appeared, a hooded jacket concealing his hair but not much else, especially not the huge shiner that used to be his right eye. He was leaning on a cane and panting as if his next step would be his last.
Knowing the potential danger he was putting himself in by coming back, my first thought when he hobbled through the door was, What the hell is your problem? And that was my second thought, too, but phrased more as a concern than an accusation, because even from across the room, I could tell he looked terrible, freaked out, scared, exhausted. Done. I jumped up and closed the door, then helped him over to the chair where he collapsed with a curse and a groan.
Leonard's expression, what I could see of it under the bandages crossing his face, mirrored what I felt. "Jim, boy? The hell you doin' here?"
"I could ask you the same question. I about shit my pants when they told me you were in here as a patient."
"Well, I kinda sassed Phil Boyce, and he took it none too well. Clocked me upside the head with a PADD. He was pretty pissed we sneaked you out. Which, by the way, you're kinda circumventing by being here. You should get the hell out."
"I will. I just...Fuck, Bones, I told you you should have come with us. Why'd you get into it with Boyce? Look at you, man, you look like total shit."
His words were teasing, but his voice shook. Maybe he cared more than I gave him credit for.
"Just buying us time. Phil is cooling his heels in the brig on charges of assaulting a fellow officer; lucky for me, there was a witness. He won't be after you for a while, and whoever he's working with will be out of luck in a week's time too. Assuming you actually stay hidden, that is, rather than letting yourself get flushed out of cover like this."
The last words were a rebuke; we both felt it. Jim blushed pink.
"I...couldn't stay there."
"Everything all right with Spock?" His tone was kind but careful, inviting only what Jim wanted to say. I'm not sure I wanted to hear any of it.
Jim shook his head mutely and looked down at the floor, his bruise shocking against the sudden pallor of his face.
Leonard looked at me and angled his head at Jim. Go ahead, talk to him.
I tried to make my voice gentle and encouraging like Leonard's, but it didn't sound that way when it came out of my mouth -- metallic, sharp, the question too abrupt.
"Did he tell you about the bond?"
Kirk's head shot up. "You knew?"
I nodded. "He told me a few days ago, when you were still mostly unconscious. It's why we broke up."
His one good eye widened. "Broke up."
Leonard squeezed my hand, and I was glad of it; it made it easier to say.
"Yeah, we're done. He...he wants to be with you. He has for some time now, months."
"What!?"
"It's true. Vulcan bonds don't just form from a mind-meld. There has to be...compatibility, a desire for that link."
I could feel the bitterness increasing, leaking out with every word. Spock had never wanted a bond with me, had never spoken of it, even as a possibility, throughout the years we were together.
"But...he did this to me, he didn't ask me..."
And here was Kirk, acting like it was some kind of white elephant, an ugly piece of bric-a-brac he didn't want and couldn't get rid of. I wanted to slap him.
Apparently, so did Leonard. "Did what to you, exactly? Save your life with that meld? I don't recall you being in any position to object."
His tone was crisp, businesslike, not soothing anymore, and it startled Jim. "Bones, it was more than that. He says we're connected now, whether I like it or not."
"Can you break the connection if it turns out you don't like it?"
"Yeah, he said we could..."
"Well then, hell, man, just shut up and get over it."
I felt my jaw drop, actually fall open, at the sudden irritation in Leonard's voice. Kirk was as stunned as I; he pulled the hood back to run his hand through his hair in disbelief.
"Bones, what..."
"I said shut up, you selfish, spoiled brat! You think this comes around every day? Someone to feel for you, take care of you, watch for you to stumble and pick you up when you do? Someone who just broke this girl's heart for you? Someone who saved your fucking life? What do you think this is, something you can just ignore, or say, 'Thanks but no thanks, I'm fine?' Most people would kill for what he's serving up to you on a silver platter. I'm telling you, if you feel anything for that man, you owe it to him to go back there and tell him. And if you don't, well, you still need to go back there anyway and tell him, because that's just not fucking fair."
I had never seen Kirk speechless until just then. He tried, though, I'll give him credit for that.
"But..."
"No, I'm not done. What was it you didn't want him to find out, anyway? That you care about him? That you're more than a ship's captain, more than a dick with legs, that you actually have weaknesses? That you're not the man he thinks you are, that you fall short just like the rest of us pathetic assholes? Go tell him, for Christ's sake, and quit being such a goddamned baby!"
Jim's head dropped again and his fingers played with the head of the cane he held. I closed my eyes against a sudden dizziness; I was pretty sure I knew what was coming.
I was right.
"Nyota...?"
I opened my eyes to look at Leonard first, and he returned my gaze levelly, knowing, as he squeezed my hand again. I turned toward Jim to see him humbled, almost crushed, the fear and pain evident on his face, and my anger at him dissolved.
"It's all right. You can tell him. He sort of knows by now, anyway."
I watched as the rest of the color drained from his face, as his eyes closed in slow motion, and felt a rush of pity at his despair.
"I don't think I can. I don't know how I could."
"Well, you better figure it out quick. You need to get your ass on back there before they figure out you're here, and you'd better straighten it out one way or the other." The harshness in Leonard's tone surprised me again, and I glanced down at him to see his eyebrows knit together in a scowl.
I went over to Jim and offered him my arm. "Here. I'll walk you as far as the shuttle stop. But after that, you're on your own. Try not to get kidnapped, okay?"
He leaned on me and the cane to stand up, then pulled the hood back over his head, defeated. "I'll do my best."
When I got back to the room, Leonard was lying back down, seemingly asleep. I tiptoed over to the chair to sit next to him and stare down at his ruined face.
He must have felt my gaze because his eyes opened. "What is it, darlin'?"
"You're the biggest fucking hypocrite I know."
He laughed, but tiredly, as he reached for my hand. "Now why would you go and say a thing like that?"
A bit of the fury came back. "Everything you just said to him, everything about someone to pick you up when you fall, all that bullshit. You were describing yourself."
His eyes closed for a moment. "Yeah, some of it, I guess."
"So why the hell didn't you tell him how you feel instead of bitching at him to talk to Spock?"
He opened his eyes, and I felt a sudden stab of dismay at the expression in them as he looked up at me, an expression that was there for the briefest moment and then abruptly vanished as he rearranged himself.
"First of all, what I said was not bullshit, young lady; I speak from experience. And second, let me ask you something. What if Spock came through that door right now, begging your forgiveness and asking you to come back to him like nothing happened? What would you say?"
I didn't have to think. "I'd say no."
"And why is that?"
"Because I know I'm not the one he wants. He couldn't give me what I need."
Leonard raised my hand to his lips, his eyes now steady and fixed on mine. "Exactly."
Oh my God
Oh my fucking God.
Jesus fucking Christ, this is...
This is so fucking awesome. Gahhhhhhhh...
Who do I need to blow to get one of these installed on the Enterprise? Scotty? Nah, he'd probably do it for a fifth and a day off to enjoy it. Yeah. That's a plan.
Who am I kidding...If I had one on board, I'd never leave my quarters. Hell, I'd never leave the bathroom.
Oh. My God.
Why the smallest hotel room in the universe would have the hugest motherfucking bathtub is totally beyond me. Not that I'm complaining; after almost three weeks of sponge baths and seated showers, this is...I don't know...transcendent, or something. And it's not just the warm water, or the Epsom salts Spock insisted on adding to it (something something muscle recovery blah blah therapeutic) or the fact that I can stretch out end to end and side to side without even touching the edges because yes it is just that fucking enormous, but I'm also having one of those moments again, one where I can feel myself getting stronger minute by minute. Not as quickly as before; I think whatever Khan passed on to me is slowing down, diminishing in its effects. But that's all right with me because it still creeps me that some part of that nutcase is inside me, working in me and on me in a way that I know I needed but will be happy to be rid of when it goes for good.
Ah, God.
The water is deep enough that I can float without touching the bottom of the tub, and it's easy to imagine that I'm in a much bigger body of water, warm and supportive and safe, and here we go, here I go, I start to feel the gentle swells of the waves as they rock me to that place in between, the place where he is.
The buoyant force on the object exceeds the weight of the object
I feel him next to me and turn my head, and he is sleeping in the waves, rising and falling with the motion of the water, and I nudge him with my arm
Wake up I'm here
...and he awakens to smile at me, but he looks sad.
I feel a restless energy inside and know I don't want to just float, I know I want more from him than just his presence, I want to wipe the sadness off his face, so I turn myself upright, treading water with just the power of my legs while I reach for him with my arms, one hand under his neck to pull him to me. And he rises to face me, letting me pull him in close by the back of his head until our faces are almost touching, until I have to close my eyes from the nearness of him, and one of us moves in, or maybe both, so that our mouths meet. And it's just a good as I thought it would be, soft and lush, lips I could suck and bite forever. And he pushes into me, hot velvet in my mouth, wet, desperate, delicious.
Ah, God.
And it hits me all at once what I'm doing, what we're doing, and my legs freeze, I can't move them anymore, and my eyes fly open to see his open as well, the sorrow still there, I haven't taken it away, only added to it because what I'm doing is wrong. And he pushes away from me, and I feel myself start to sink
The weight of the object exceeds the buoyant force on the object
...below the surface of the water until it closes over my head, dark and cold.
help
shit
I must have fallen asleep because my body jerks, arms and legs going everywhere, splashing water out of the sunken tub onto the tiles on either side, and my head drops back into the water as my back arches and my chest heaves upward, the panicky breath of air I would have taken becoming a full inhalation of bathwater instead.
shitshitshitshit
Mom used to make me snort saline to wash allergens out of my sinuses, and I hated it because of the weird drowning feeling of the liquid running through my head, choking me if I forgot to breathe through my mouth. This is millions of times worse because I can feel my lungs filling up with fluid, the salty water heavy in my chest, pulling me down. I grab for the side of the tub and try to pull myself up but I can't do more than lift one shoulder out before my hands slip and I sink back down.
fuck
Spock
help
Through the distortion of the water I see the bathroom door swing wide as Spock kicks it open and rushes to me to haul me out of the tub, one hand pulling on my wrist and the other arm wrapping around my midsection in a modified fireman's carry. He gets my top half out enough to tighten both arms around my lower chest and squeeze
Goddamn that hurts
...the water out of me, and a lot of it does come out, cascading onto his feet as he bends me over and squeezes repeatedly
Stop stop I'm good you're breaking my ribs
...and he stops the compressions but continues to hold me as I cough out water in huge, braying sobs.
He scoops me up to carry me out of the bathroom, his bare hands on my bare skin.
Shit shit fuck shit
Goddamn Vulcan touch telepathy and I didn't have time to prepare. He'll be able to sense what I was thinking, what I was doing. I try to fill my mind as I squirm in his arms and croak at him to put me down.
"Spock, I'm fine, put me down, I can walk."
No I'm fine put me down
"Come on, goddamn it, let me go!"
Put me down now no no NO NO NO NONONONONO
But he won't, he keeps moving toward the bed, and I feel my time running out, I can't keep my thoughts away, and any second now he'll know what a complete and total asshole I am.
So I do the only thing I can think of. I bite him, hard, on the shoulder, my teeth closing around his collarbone.
He stops in surprise, stutters for a few more steps, then drops me flat on my ass on the bed. We stare at each other for a few seconds. He looks stunned.
My voice sounds so fucking stupid and weak. "I told you...to put me down."
He says nothing as he looks down at his shoulder. I can see blood seeping through, the oval of my bite mark painting itself on his shirt, my shirt
What?
...and he turns back into the bathroom to run water in the sink.
I wrap myself in the comforter and wait for him to come back out.
He does, shirtless, the bite mark dark green and oozing blood against the white of his skin. He seats himself on the couch across from me and looks down at his hands. I honest to God have no idea what to say to him, so I guess it's a good thing that he starts off.
"Captain, I am sorry. I fell asleep while you were in the bathroom and was not prepared to assist you."
I cough twice, and the thing that my mind has been trying to wrap itself around jumps into sharp focus.
"I knew you were asleep. How did I know that?"
He does not answer. I go on, rasping from the water but also from something else.
"How did you know I was in trouble in there?"
Nothing.
"You know...you know what that place is, don't you?"
This time he looks up at me, and the sorrow on his face in my dream is nothing compared to this reality.
This is what is real
"What the hell is going on?"
Beloved please
"What did you do?"
He shudders, maybe from the cold. "I told you of the meld I performed when Dr. McCoy was reviving you with Khan's serum."
I nod and cough again, a tinge of pink on the comforter.
"What I have not told you is that something else occurred during the time we were melded."
"Something else meaning...what, exactly?"
"We now...share...a connection."
"What kind of connection?"
"A bond. A type of pledge."
"Pledge to do what?"
His eyes close. "To be...together."
I can't even ask the next question in case the answer he has isn't the one I want to hear. So I move on.
"Did you want that to happen?"
Yes
"Did you make it happen?"
"No, it appears to have formed on its own."
"How?"
"I do not know. Normally the pledge is made during childhood, to a partner chosen by the parents and through a healer. I myself cannot create a bond."
"Is it permanent?"
"It can be broken by a healer."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
He opens his eyes and looks right into mine. "I wish to maintain the bond. I was aware that you would not share that desire and would wish its dissolution once you were aware of its presence. I therefore kept the knowledge of it from you in order that I may enjoy it for as long as possible."
I nod and tug the comforter more tightly around me.
"Get the fuck out."
He stands and moves across the tiny room to pull a fresh shirt out of the dresser before opening the door to the hallway. It closes behind him with a sigh and a click.
I count to twenty to make sure he's out of earshot, then I get dressed too, disguising myself as much as possible for the shuttle ride back to Medical.
It appears that we have been successful in making our escape from Starfleet Medical. The doctor and I were careful in our preparations; I purchased and delivered, along with the cargo containers, a week's supply of food for the captain and myself, late last night when there would have been few individuals about to notice the relative rarity of a Vulcan's presence among them. Dr. McCoy also provided me with a supply of the medications he believes the captain might require to promote his recovery, so barring any unforeseeable emergencies, we shall not have to leave the room for some time. The doctor and I also agreed to maintain communicator silence between us in order to perpetuate the impression, among any who may be surveilling him, that he has no knowledge of our whereabouts. While this precaution is, I believe, necessary to ensure the captain's safety, it fills me with no small amount of trepidation that we will be unaware of the doctor's predicament once it is discovered, as it may already have been at this moment, that we are gone.
Room 5042 is not on the fifth floor of the hotel building as I had predicted, but rather on the 50th floor, its altitude above the city affording what Humans would appreciate as an impressive view. It is small but luxurious, reflecting a certain celebrity to which the doctor did not allude when he described the manner in which he was afforded lodging by Starfleet. Much of the living space is occupied by a large bed upon which are piled multiple pillows of various sizes atop an unnecessarily voluminous duvet. The remaining space is occupied by a small sofa, an armchair, a single desk and chair, and a chest of drawers in which I have already stored our small amount of clothing. The diminutive footprint of the room will be an advantage for the captain as he will have little difficulty navigating about it without the wheelchair; indeed, once I have removed him from it to the bed, it will be necessary to fold the wheelchair and store it in the single tiny closet until such time as he may require it, if ever again, there being insufficient floor space to maintain it in its open configuration.
I turn my attention to him. The trip from the hospital to the hotel was not lengthy, both establishments being on the Starfleet Headquarters shuttle route and one being therefore easily accessible from the other. But the relative lack of sleep last night as we made our plans and the exertion associated with his physical therapy session this morning have combined to exhaust him; he was asleep by the time I wheeled him out of the shuttle toward the hotel entrance.
It will be necessary to make physical contact with him in order to lift him out of the chair and put him to bed.
I begin by facing him and pulling his upper body toward me so that I may remove his jacket. My movements are expedient and the contact is limited, the only direct touch being between his face and the skin of my neck as his head rests on my shoulder. Once the jacket is off I slip one arm beneath his legs and the other around his upper back to lift him up and out of the wheelchair, delivering to that item a push with my foot to roll it out of the way so that I can turn around in the cramped space and seat myself on the bed.
And it is there that my resolve flags. I should lay him down immediately, pull the duvet over him and retire myself to the sofa, but I hesitate, and in that small space of time, I am lost.
His head is heavy on my shoulder, his slow, steady exhalations cooling the skin there and stirring it into gooseflesh. I can feel the movement of his closed eyes against the bend of my neck just as I can feel the touch of his mind against mine while he dreams, and I marvel at how his Human mind has already learned to navigate the bond, instinctively reaching out through it even without his conscious apprehension. Were the situation different, were he to return my affection, we would be exceptional among bondmates in the rare strength of our connection and the harmony of our minds.
I cannot
I cannot refuse him; the bond will not be denied. I answer his mind's questioning touch with my own, and his mouth curves into a smile against my throat.
I am not
It is too much.
The blood rises
His weight on my bare thighs stirs me he knows he laughs he pushes at my chest I fall backwards onto the bed he is astride me on top of me enveloping me around me riding me up and down and laughing breathless his skin damp his eyes blazing my hands are on him pulling stroking his eyes close his head arches back he reaches his climax a beautiful sound I cry out too joy amazement and roll him over under me and push quickly eagerly he groans helpless with each thrust until I peak inside him filling him marking him he is mine mine no one else shall ever have him ever again no one
My eyes snap open. He sleeps on, apparently untouched by my lustful indulgence and unaware, I am thankful to note, of the spreading wetness in my lap.
I lay him against the pillows, pull the duvet over him, and remove myself to the bathroom to wash. I am in dire need of meditation.
***
Two-point-seven-one hours later, having cleaned myself, changed my clothing, and engaged in meditation, I find myself once again in control of my physical being but not much calmed in my thoughts.
I confess to a certain apprehension, even fear, regarding the loss of mastery I experienced. I am not a novice in sexual matters and have experienced physical passion several times but never with the complete lack of control that befell me earlier. I am certain that my parents, my primary reference point for issues relating to bonded individuals, did not lapse so easily as I just did into the depths of carnal desire, for indeed, if they ever indulged in sensualism apart from that which was necessary for my conception, I was never once aware of it throughout my childhood, and I was by nature unusually inquisitive and observant.
And even now, that loss of control taunts me, makes me aware of its presence. I look down and realize that I am wearing one of his shirts, chosen without conscious volition from the chest of drawers.
I pull the collar up to my nose and inhale, deeply.
If I cannot curb the impulse to touch him, physically or mentally, if I cannot regain the discipline over my own thoughts and actions that I enjoyed prior to the meld with him, then I see no alternative other than that of removing myself permanently from his presence.
I recall Nyota's third option regarding my response to her challenge: to request reassignment, transfer, to end all contact with me. I do not desire that action on her part and have even less enthusiasm for it on mine. Yet, while I can conceive of an existence in which I perpetually yearn for one who does not want me, it would be unacceptable not to have the capacity to conceal that unrequited yearning. And if the events of this morning are any indication, I am in the process of losing that capacity.
I cross the room to the closet to retrieve Nyota's gift from the pocket of my stained pants and sit back down on the sofa to open it, at last. For my apprehension at its contents has been dwarfed by my decision to leave him, once he has no further need of me, and I cannot think of anything she could give me that would distress me any more.
I am mistaken, as it happens. Beneath the dainty ribbon and shiny wrapping lies a jewelry box, and inside that box is a delicate chain upon which floats a small cylindrical pendant, muted silver in color and exquisite in taste as she is herself. And inscribed on it, in the curls and lines of Vulcan script:
Sadalau nash-veh du
I release thee.
She knows our customs too well to have chosen this phrase by accident, the phrase that in ancient times was used to grant divorce to a wronged bondmate by the errant spouse. In using these words, she has granted me freedom, not only from our association but also from my own proposal to her challenge.
She is telling me that I may have him because she wronged me as well.
I have not felt the pressure of shameful tears behind my eyes since I was a small child, but I do now as I lift the pendant from the velvet-lined box and raise it to the light. It was her intention all along to release me once I confessed my betrayal to her as she now did hers to me. My deception and cowardice have been the cause of much more pain than I supposed.
I place the pendant around my neck, tucking it under his shirt so that it rests on my skin. In the end, it will make no difference; I may not have him because he will never be mine to take.
Dinner with Nyota was the most pleasant evening I'd had in a long time, but I almost regretted not spending more of it sleeping after about an hour into my shift. My head was feeling dull and heavy, like it was a cannonball swiveling around uselessly on my neck, and I had a hard time focusing on the charts and monitors even after borrowing Christine's reading glasses. The only thing that snapped me back into reality was the occasional visit back to Jim's room, where Spock and I would hash over the details of our plan.
I'd already put Jim's name further up the PT schedule so that his appointment tomorrow was for 0700 instead of 0930. I'd accompany him while Spock took their cargo boxes over to the hotel. Then he'd come back, pick up Jim directly from physical therapy, and shuttle him straight to the hotel to make sure Boyce wouldn't get a shot at him during morning rounds. By the time he saw Jim again, it would be as an outpatient thanks to the discharge order I'd queued into the system earlier tonight. The only weakness I saw in the plan was the risk that Phil would catch the discharge order and countermand it, but since he's a day shift kind of guy and I'm nights, I doubted he'd figure it out until it was too late.
Another potential fly in the ointment was if Phil was gutsy, or desperate, enough to try to get the blood sample without Jim's consent, either within or outside of Medical. Time was running out for them; it would only be a week at most before the longest-lived plasma components from the transfusion would be undetectable in Jim's circulation, so if they wanted that blood sample, they'd have to act fast. I figured Spock would be able to keep him safe for that week, but I obsessed about it the entire shift long, my last nerve frazzling itself over the possibility that they'd track him down in time.
When morning finally came I took Jim on down to physical therapy while Spock stayed behind to pack up their stuff. The stretching and flexibility exercises went well, and the strength he had gained since just the other day was unbelievable. But when the time came to ambulate around the room, he flat-out refused to use the walker, asking instead if he could support himself solely on his legs, however much of himself they could hold, with me as his backup. Patrice wasn't thrilled about it, but he gave her The Look until she folded like a cheap suit.
So that's how we came to be staggering around like drunks as we circumnavigated the room, his one hand on the rail and the other on my shoulder. He hadn't lost much mass, if any, over the past two weeks; his muscles were smaller but also denser and more compact, thanks to Khan's serum, so that his weight on me was almost crushing. We make it four times around the PT room, the last quarter lap increasingly wobbly and weak until his legs gave out suddenly and he dropped toward the floor. I caught him reflexively, my hand under his armpit hauling him back up.
"Thanks man,' he said, tightening his arm around my neck to pull himself back up and laughing as he leaned on me, and for a moment it was like there was nothing wrong with him, with either of us, that we were just horsing around, young and stupid like we were back in the Academy.
Well, he was young, and I was stupid, back then, when I had my chance with him.
I'd been thinking about that evening all shift long, ever since I mentioned it to Nyota. It was the evening of the day he beat Spock's Kobayashi Maru test, and he was just as frisky as a colt, full of piss and vinegar and so proud of himself he could bust a gut. He wanted to celebrate his victory, so he dragged me out to a hole in the wall a few blocks off for a night of drinking. He was in fine form, too, hot and lean in a worn t-shirt just a little too tight and a smile like a million bucks, and the girls were flocking around him like they knew he was the shit. I just hung back, sipping my beer and watching him flirt and enjoying the view.
It was like he knew I was watching and kind of getting off on it, because he kept glancing my way with a look that said, Don't you want any of this? And I'd shake my head No and keep sipping, and the look in his eyes, on his face, was questioning at first, then speculative, as the drinks, and the girls, kept coming.
Finally one of the women, a twenty-something brunette with legs all the way up to her neck, came on over to where I was leaning on the table. "Hey, cutie-pie, why you here all by your lonesome?"
I shrugged. "Just shy, I guess."
Her smile was worth a heap too, with even white teeth and a sincerity about it that told me she was neither drunk nor desperate.
"So, let's sit down somewhere quieter, away from that gaggle"--she nodded at Jim and his female satellites--"and get to know each other."
I let her lead me to a corner table, and she bought me a drink, something better than the cheap beer I'd been downing all evening. I found out she was a research scientist, that she studied cardiovascular xenophysiology and was working on a three-year project funded by Starfleet, and that she was shipping out the following week with the Farragut. And when we got up to dance, leaving our empty glasses on that table, she linked her hands around the back of my neck and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me, her breasts pushing into my chest as she nibbled at my lips to part them so she could enter, soft and warm and silky.
A hand clamped down on my shoulder. "Bones, let's go, I gotta take a leak."
I raised my head, more than a little pissed. "What, you want me to hold it for you? Go by yourself, for Christ's sake."
But that hand kept pushing, and she slipped out of my arms as he drove me backwards toward the rear entrance, past the rest rooms and out the door to the alley behind, to the cool night air and cloudless sky filled with stars.
"Jim, what the fuck, man..."
I got no further before his lips crushed mine, the alcohol heavy on his breath and on his tongue as it ravaged my mouth. I put up my hands to push him away, and they flattened uselessly against his chest, feeling his nipples peaked from the night air and his arousal, feeling his hardness pushing against my thigh as he kept backing me up until I hit the alley wall, hard.
He had me pinned, one hand still heavy on my shoulder and the other rubbing hard on the bulge in my jeans, his breath hot in my ear as he ground himself against my hip. "Come on, Bones, I know you want this, I know you love me. Come on, baby. Come on."
And God help me, I wanted to. He was beautiful and terrifying, his muscles just as hard under my hands as I was under his. He wrenched my fly open to see for himself, to reach inside and curl his fingers around me, stroking and pumping as I gasped for air, my head thrown back toward the stars overhead. His lips moved from my ear across my jaw, bruising a trail back to my mouth, invading, drowning me.
And it all flashed in front of me, how this would go down. I'd give in because I couldn't help myself, because I did love him, and I'd become powerless under his touch and let him tear me open, burning a hole in my heart as he sucked and bit at my throat, working me harder and harder, my eyes unseeing as I dissolved into nothingness in his hand, hearing him laugh and letting him push me down, letting him push into me, hearing him grunt and cry out as he fucked me until neither of us had anything left. And then the daylight would come, and the silence and uncomfortableness would begin, and the end of the semester would mean that he or I would have found a new roommate to escape the situation that we'd made, and we'd nod to each other across a classroom or as we walked past each other on the quad, until eventually we wouldn't bother to nod at all, each of us going on our own path, apart.
He didn't know, couldn't predict, any of that, because he'd never been in love, probably didn't even know what love was. But I had, and I did, and I could see it coming like it had a road map leading to it with a big red X marking the spot.
No.
No, that was not how it was going to happen, I was not going to lose this man, not if I had anything to do with it.
So I pulled my head away, laughing like it was no big deal, and said, "Yeah, you know I love you, but if you fuck me, you'll have to marry me, and you know how good that would work out."
I'd hit just the right note. He snickered in my ear and gave my cock one last squeeze. "God, you're a buzzkill, McCoy," he breathed as he lapped at my neck. "At least buy me another drink."
That, I could do.
By the time the evening ended, I practically had to carry him home, him leaning on me just as he was leaning on me now, both of us giggling like girls. And it was a like a joke between us after that, how Jim got so drunk that night that he hit on his own roommate, a last night of boozy bad-assery and fucked-uppedness before Nero showed up to turn the Federation upside-down.
Him leaning on me now, just like that night, his breath once again hot in my ear. "I'm done here. Let's comm Spock."
That, I could do, too.
I got him into a wheelchair and pushed him out to the lift where Spock was waiting. I transferred the push handles over to him.
"Wait, Bones, you're coming, right?"
I shook my head. "No, kid. If I disappear too, they'll know to come to the hotel. I've got to stay here, make like everything's normal, keep them off your back. Just for a few days."
"NO!" His voice was suddenly deep, his hand shooting out to grasp my wrist so hard that I had to bite my cheek to keep from crying out, the bones in my forearm grinding sickeningly against each other. I held my ground and stared him down, those eyes darkening to grey as he saw he wouldn't win this one.
He dropped my wrist.
I stepped back and looked over to Spock. "Get him out of here."
***
Phil was waiting for me when I got back to Jim's room, the PADD with his chart on it dangling from his fingers. He shook it at me as I crossed the room to inspect the wall monitor.
"Leonard, what's this discharge order I see here? A misunderstanding, am I right?"
I formed my face into a look of innocent surprise. "Misunderstanding? No, I signed the order. He was ready to go."
Phil's expression shifted minutely, but it was enough to make that switch from friendly to suspicious. "That boy couldn't have walked out of here on his own power. He needs to be here for at least another week."
So he did know the time frame. My gut tightened as I faced him with what I hoped came across as the normal irritation of a professional disagreement. "Phil, he just did four rounds of the physical therapy room nearly unaided. He was going crazy in here so I sprung him. He'll be coming back three times a week for PT, he'll be fine."
"You've made a grave error in judgment, Leonard," he growled, and I recoiled in honest surprise this time at his change in tone, at his face twisting in anger. I looked at his perfectly starched white lab coat, the hand-stitched spread collar shirt and silk tie beneath it, and any good sense I ever had evaporated as something inside my tired brain just snapped.
"No, I don't think I have. I think I've done the best thing for my patient, and that's no error according to the oath we all swore to uphold. But you weren't planning on doing the same, were you, you pompous prick, unless that's an informed consent agreement in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?"
He swung at me with a perfect tennis forehand. I couldn't avoid it in time; the aching weight of my head was too great to move that quickly, and the PADD he was holding caught me right on the bridge of my nose, breaking the nasal bone with an audible crunch. I stumbled back against the monitor as his free hand shot out to pin me by the shoulder against the wall.
"Do you have any idea what you've done?" he snarled.
I choked on the gush of blood pooling in the back of my throat, coughing it out in a spray that misted his sleeve as I started to collapse downward against the wall, my vision darkening but my hearing still acute enough to pick up a gasp of surprise from the orderly in the open doorway. And suddenly it was nighttime, in the back alley of a dive bar, the white lab coat now a white t-shirt, the hand on my shoulder not Boyce's but Jim's.
Come on, baby. Come on.
He was waiting for my answer, his breath tickling my ear, his hands on me rough and demanding, his heat radiating toward me through the dark night air.
I laughed fearlessly up at the stars, their brightness dimming and finally disappearing into blackness as I fell.
Yes.
I heard the door open and the sound of something large dropping to the floor in the front hallway; he'd brought with him a cargo container, mostly empty by the sound of it. I assumed it held just about everything he owned that hadn't been destroyed.
His eyelashes tickled my neck as he wrapped me up.
"The bed's all ready for you. I'll wake you up for dinner."
He nodded, released me, and staggered off to the spare room, kicking off his shoes as he walked and falling face-first into the pillows. He was asleep in seconds, his breathing already heavy and deep by the time I'd backtracked to pick up the shoes and put them next to his bed. I looked at the time: he'd have six hours to sleep if I got him up at 20:00.
Doctors must have some kind of insanely accurate internal clock, because he woke up exactly three hours later. I wouldn't say he looked rested, but he did look a little better, especially after I pressed a cup of coffee into his hand.
"You don't have to get up right now. You still have a few hours."
He shook his head. "I'm cleaning up, then I'm helping you with dinner."
"Leonard, I'm fine."
"Oh, I know you are. I'm thinking of myself. If I don't get that take-out in about half an hour, I'm gonna go haywire."
I ordered dinner from the Thai restaurant down the street -- 20-minute delivery, guaranteed -- while he showered and changed. By the time he stepped out of the guest bedroom, hair still damp from the shower, I was already spooning the pad thai onto his plate.
"Well, that's real nice, but you know an old bachelor like myself would just eat out of the to-go box."
"Not if you want to live here, you won't."
"A small price to pay," he smiled as he took the chopsticks I offered.
We took our plates to the living room and curled up on the sofa, a glass of white wine for me and the ubiquitous coffee for him. I nodded at his cup. "That won't go so well with the fish soup."
"My dear, coffee goes with everything. And I shouldn't criticize, if I were you; I'm sure alcohol isn't on your list of approved post-op beverages."
I mock-sneered at him. "It wasn't on the list of things to avoid, either. At least I'll get more than three hours of sleep tonight."
He didn't say anything to my jibe, which concerned me more than if he'd snapped back. I set down my glass.
"Leonard. I'm serious. You can't keep this up."
He looked into his cup, then up at me as he nodded. "If our plan works out, I won't have to for much longer."
"Plan?"
"I'm discharging Jim tomorrow."
He waited for my reaction, silently acknowledging my reservations, knowing I knew his planned course of action was unwise. I looked out the front window at the skyline and let the questions form while he slurped his soup.
"He's not physically ready to be released, is he?"
"No."
"So you're discharging him because there's some threat to him if he stays at Medical."
"I think so, yes."
"Something having to do with Khan."
"Bingo." He set his soup down and leaned toward me. "Listen, Nyota, I hate to ask you this, but I'd appreciate it if you woudn't let it get around that we used Khan's blood to bring Jim back. Someone at Medical's getting nosy, and I don't want them using him as a lab rat for any regeneration studies they're hatching."
I thought for a minute. "The only person I've talked about it with was Carol. I don't think I've discussed it with anyone else. Maybe Scotty. But that's all."
He nodded thoughtfully. "That sounds about right. It's no secret that we did CPR on him, got his heart and respiratory function started back up, then popped him in a cryotube. What happened after that, nobody actually saw, except for Carol, Spock, and me. So if you and Scotty keep mum, there'll be no one else to go blabbing it around."
"You know I won't say anything. But wouldn't they be more interested in you than in Jim? After all, you're the one who carried it all out."
He grinned and picked up his coffee cup. "Carried out what, CPR? Any damn fool with a Red Cross certificate can do that."
I got the message: he was going to put himself in the crosshairs again so Kirk wouldn't be. That spark of anger flared once more.
"You're a complete idiot, you know that?"
He closed his eyes. "Yeah. I know."
We finished our meals in silence and he took up our plates while I sat and sipped my wine. I heard the sound of water running in the kitchen sink as he called out, "You know, you're not as good with chopsticks as I figured you'd be. You left a lot of noodles on your plate."
I knew better than to tell him I wasn't that hungry, so I said instead, "Maybe I'd be better at it if I ate right out of the box."
"I'd be happy to teach you how, you know." He reappeared with a fresh cup of coffee for himself and the open bottle of wine to refill my glass. I could feel my head getting buzzy and the questions getting easier to ask.
"So where will Jim go? I thought they were sending him back to the Academy before Khan hit Starfleet HQ."
"They were, but if he goes back there, it'll be easy for them to get to him. I don't know if his old apartment is still available, but the same thing applies there as well."
"So he's going to...?"
He looked straight at me, like he knew my rage would rise up again, like he knew he deserved it. "He's moving into my hotel room."
"By himself?"
"No." His eyes were still on me.
I hadn't had so much to drink that I didn't know exactly what was going on. I laughed and was surprised that it sounded as genuine as it did. "And you're okay with that?"
"Any reason I shouldn't be?"
I looked hard at him, but his expression was bland.
"Did they teach you to be so inscrutable in med school?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Me? You're the one who plays everything close to the vest."
"Okay, then I'll start." I swallowed most of the wine in my glass and took a breath. "Spock and I...we...I mean, he..."
This was harder than I thought; I took another sip and forced the words out.
"He cares about Jim more than he cares about me."
He nodded. Unsurprised.
'You knew that," I accused. "You knew, and you're just...taking it?"
His eyes were gentle. "What would you want me to do?"
"Tell him! Tell him how you feel!"
"I had my chance. I let it go, and I don't regret that decision. Now I don't know how he feels about Spock aside from a normal amount of affection, but I do know what Spock feels, and if the two of you have decided it's time to call it quits, then maybe it's time for him to have his chance."
I shook my head. "I don't know how you can be so charitable."
"Nyota, it's not charity if he was never mine. It's different for you, I know that, and I'm sorry for you, truly. But you shouldn't be sorry for me. I moved on a long time ago."
I drained my glass and held it out to him for another refill. "What are you, some kind of saint?"
He laughed. "No, darlin', I'm just an old Georgia cracker." He sipped his coffee and tilted his head like he was examining me. "Now what about you, if I may ask? How are you holding up?"
I liked that he was concerned but not prying. "Okay. But I have to ask you something. I don't want Spock to know about my situation yet. I'd like you not to tell him."
He nodded, unsurprised again. He'd seen the genetic report on my chart, the one that showed the baby had no Vulcan DNA.
"Of course not." He paused, then put down his cup, took the wine glass out of my hand, and moved toward me to enfold me completely. Maybe it was the wine, or maybe the strain of the past few days, but I fell apart at that simple gesture.
He held me tightly, kissing my hair and forehead as he waited for the sobbing to stop, then handed me a napkin to wipe my face once it did stop, mostly.
"Why are you so good?"
"Just my nature, ma'am. And may I add that you don't know how good I am."
I caught the innuendo and laughed, knowing it was the reaction he was aiming for, as I blew my nose. "Back off, Leonard. Just because I invited you to live here doesn't mean I'm going to be your consolation fuck."
"You're not," he smiled, toasting me with his coffee cup. "But I'd sure like to be yours."
I threw the napkin at him and laughed again, more freely now, and wondered what I'd done to deserve such a friend.
He stayed for another half-hour, chatting easily and catching me up on the day's gossip, before standing and stretching.
"Well, back to the salt mines. Don't forget to comm Carol or she'll find me and kill me for not telling you. And I should be back around noon tomorrow, so save those leftovers."
I did, but he didn't come back at noon, nor did I see him at all the next day until evening, when I went to visit him in his hospital room at Medical.
I've never liked sleeping -- way too much of a waste of time. I'd rather party all night, fuck all night, even work all night when things get tight, and it annoys me off that, sooner or later, I hit the point where I just can't go on anymore and have to pass out. Then I wake up, pissed that I just wasted a shitload of time being useless when there's so much to get out and do.
That kind of got turned on its ass when I ended up in here and for a while couldn't even open my eyes without getting tired. And it could actually be nice having nothing to do, no ship to get back to yet, nothing pressing on me other than rest and sleep (if sleep didn't come with those nightmares). But I can feel all these little things starting to nag at me and remind me there's payback headed my way for all this (as Bones would say) dilly-dallyin'. This whole clusterfuck with Boyce is one of those things; we've got plans for a good old-fashioned duck-and-run tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure that some amount of shit will hit the fan over that.
But right now, sitting up in bed after a nap and two full meals (Spock thinks I'm going to barf up the second one, but he's wrong), studying the chess board he brought down with him from the Enterprise, I'm feeling pretty satisfied. It's like I'm calmer somehow, better than earlier. All the evil shit that bubbled up this morning has settled back down where it belongs, and I'm relaxed, effortlessly happy, and kicking Spock's ass at chess for the second time today. Life is so fucking good.
It wasn't looking so good this morning, after falling out of bed and then getting the shit kicked out of me in the physical therapy session, and I honest to God couldn't even think anymore from exhaustion. But I could feel it while I was sleeping afterward, the strength returning to my legs like water flowing into a dry river bed, like healing was a thing you can sense rather than a process. And when I woke up, I was able to get up and go to the head by myself (although he still made me use the stupid fucking walker), and I was starving for lunch even though I'd just had breakfast. And that shit tasted good, too. Then I got a shower from Bones and was able to stand up for it, so even if I'm stuck with the walker, at least I don't have to get my balls washed sitting down. A shave from Carol and a change of clothes and I feel on top of the fucking world.
Oh, yeah. Queen to e7. Checkmate, baby. Didn't see that coming, did you?
I love it when he looks pissed.
There's something else going on, too, something else that happened when I slept today, and I don't have my mind wrapped around it quite yet, but I'm getting there. For the first time since I've been here, I didn't have one of those freaky dreams, and I'm hoping it's because my brain is recovering too, moving toward...
E4. D6.
Pirc. Watch out, Spock, I know what you're up to, gonna take the third one too.
I was going to say "normal," but that's not what I mean. It's like I had another place to go, another level that's between being fully awake and dreaming, where I can still think but I don't see or feel what's physically around me. Being there gave me a pleasant, floating feeling, like every part of me was supported by a dense fluid that swayed around me, rocking me. And what was weird was that I usually want to jolt myself awake, to quit sleeping and get to the next thing, but when I felt that warmth around me, I just wanted to lie still and enjoy it. I could feel myself getting more stable, like all the shit that clogs my mind was dissolving while my body got stronger. Kind of like meditation, I guess, but I've never had the patience for meditating (seems like another fucking waste of time) so I wouldn't really know. Maybe more like hypnosis, but someone tried to hypnotize me once as part of a psych project at the Academy and it totally didn't work, so I wouldn't really know about that either, I guess.
Enjoy that strong center, my friend. You're going down soon.
So that's where I was this morning, after the PT session from hell, I was in that space, and it felt so awesome just to float and sway and heal and soak up the energy, so even though I already knew I was hungry and needed to take a piss, I decided to stay there a while longer. And I could feel my legs stretched out and strengthening in the waves, and my arms floating out by my sides, one of them linked with someone else's, and I turned my head to look over, and it was Spock, and he was smiling.
This is what is real.
It's fucking amazing.
Indeed.
We should stay here.
We must depart at some point. We have much to do.
I don't want to do anything right now. Just be here with me.
Very well.
And it was fucking amazing, how easy it was to let go of the bullshit that brings me down and just be there, in that place, not worrying about what's in the past or what's coming up, just feeling myself getting put back together better than I was. I don't remember everything we said, but I know we had a conversation, nothing heavy, just comfortable and easy. And when I did wake up, finally, it was to find Spock napping in the bedside chair, one hand propping up his head while he slept, the other lying on top of the blanket covering my leg.
Nyota's apartment had that sterile feel of a home that's been set up for a while but not really lived in. Kind of like a doctor's home in some ways. The decor was tasteful, exquisite without being trashy, but also slightly impersonal, as if the person who chose the furniture and the art had selected it for someone else's use.
I looked around as she hung up her coat in the hall closet. Two bedrooms, one of which was occupied; the other, not.
She nodded at my unspoken thought. "I reserved this apartment over a year ago, when I heard the owner was planning on selling. It was for Gaila and me to share when we graduated."
I don't often think of that day, when Nero showed up and stole their youth, and it occurred to me that she must think about it all the time, with such a glaring prompt to remind her. I slid an arm around her and pulled her to me.
She let her face bury itself in my chest for a few moments before pulling away. "Leonard, I want to you have the other room. It only makes sense. You living in that hotel is ridiculous, you can't keep it up." She picked up a key chip from a small table in the entryway and pressed it into my hand. "Here. Take it."
I turned the chip over in my hand, thinking. "If you let me use this to check on you over the next couple of days, we can talk about something more long-term later. Right now I'm just going from one day to the next."
Her voice was urgent. "You have to think about yourself. You can't keep living for other people."
"I'm not," I smiled. She wasn't convinced.
"Come back for dinner, before your shift. I'm not cooking, but I'll get you better take-out than the hospital cafeteria can offer. And you can have a real shower here instead of using the staff rest room."
I wondered how she knew about the shitty hospital staff showers as I slid the key chip into the pocket of my scrub pants. "I'll be back in twelve hours. Sooner if you let me sleep in your spare bed."
She opened the front door and stood aside to let me pass. "Deal."
***
I couldn't believe the sight that met my eyes when I walked into Jim's room half an hour later.
"Blast it, man, I turn my back on you for what, an hour? What the hell happened?"
Jim grinned at me, his face looking like he'd just gone ten rounds with a drunk Klingon. "Had a little accident. Nothing major."
Spock was less amused. "Doctor, the captain attempted to walk unaided, with the thoroughly predictable results you see before you."
I swear my eyes rolled to the back of my head. "Goddamnit, Jim. Have a care for all the effort we've put into keeping you alive, will you, before you decide to do something that could kill you." I backed the wheelchair up to his bed and held it steady as he slid himself into it. "Now let's go practice walking the sensible way."
It turned out that "sensible" and Jim didn't get along too well. The physical therapist was delighted at first to have someone of Jim's charm and reputation as her patient, and the first fifteen minutes were actually pretty harmonious as Jim demonstrated his near-normal upper extremity strength and coordination, although his fine motor skills still needed work. But his spirit of cooperation vanished the moment she brought out the walker.
"I'm not a hundred years old, Bones, I'm not using that fucking thing."
I shook my head, heavy and buzzing with fatigue, at his orneriness. "If you end up leaving this place in a wheelchair instead of walking out under your own steam, you may as well be a hundred years old, and I'll get you a crocheted lap rug to prove it. Now listed to Patrice and get on that damn walker!"
By the time the hourlong PT appointment was up, he had made two and a half circuits around the room on the hated walker, muttering curses the whole way. I saw his arms shaking as he sank back into the wheelchair and closed his eyes, his face sweaty and pale.
The therapist was encouraging. "Captain, that's very good, excellent really. I'm sure Dr. Boyce will be thrilled with your progress."
"Boyce can suck my dick," he mumbled through his swollen lip. I smiled at her and shrugged -- What are you gonna do? -- as I wheeled him out of PT and toward the lift. By the time the lift doors closed behind us, he was asleep, his head lolling back against my hand.
***
Phil was waiting for us when we got back to the room, almost as if Jim's profanity had conjured him up. And he'd brought someone with him.
"Carol!"
I wondered for a split second how she'd managed to violate Boyce's No Visitors order until I remembered that he and Alex Marcus went way back; he'd probably changed Carol's diapers. Hard to imagine that now as I watched him study the chart, his tanned face frowning above the white contrast collar of his shirt.
Spock took the wheelchair and pushed it to the other side of the biobed while Carol and I embraced. "It's wonderful to see you," I said. "Look how good he's doing."
We pulled apart to look at Jim, who wasn't actually looking his best at that moment -- mouth hanging open in sleep, face all beat to hell, cradled in Spock's arms like an overgrown baby as he transferred him from the wheelchair to the bed. From the brilliance of her smile, it was plain she didn't care.
Phil made it clear that he cared. "What happened here, Leonard? I thought I'd left our young man in good hands, but now I see you let him take quite the tumble."
Spock interrupted before I could speak. "Dr. Boyce, the fault was mine. Dr. McCoy was still on shift, and I foolishly left the room for 10.71 minutes to attend to my own hygiene. When I returned, I found the captain on the floor, having sustained the injuries you see."
Damn Vulcan sticking up for me again. I cut him a dirty look -- I can fight my own battles, if they're worth fighting, and this one wasn't.
He didn't see my look, occupied as he was with straightening out Jim's legs on the bed, pulling the sheet up to his waist and tucking it in, then laying Nyota's blanket on top. His hands were gentle as he lifted each arm in turn to place them on top of the bedsheets.
His face was a mask when he turned to face me, but I'd already seen it. Goddamn. It had been right in front of me, all this time.
If Carol saw it, she gave no sign as she moved to the other side of the bed. She laid one hand on Jim's upper arm and the other on his hair, combing through it lightly with her fingers until he groggily opened his eyes.
"I brought you a visitor, Captain," said Phil from across the room. "Least you can do is wake up and say hello."
He struggled to focus on her face. "Hey."
Her million-watt smile brightened even more. "Hey yourself."
"You gonna be here for a while?"
She nodded. "Go ahead and sleep. When you wake up we'll have lunch and I'll show you the gifts I brought you from the crew."
His eyelids dropped to close before he managed to nod in return.
She turned back to me, and I could see her eyes brimming with tears. "He does look good. Wonderful. I can't believe it, truly."
"He's been getting the best possible care since he's been here." Just like Phil to put in a plug for good old Starfleet Medical whenever possible.
"I'm sure that's true, Uncle Phil, thank you so very much." She smiled at him but moved to hug me again, tightly. She'd been there when we brought him back, she knew, and that was enough for me.
"And Mr. Spock, I can see you've had more than a little to do yourself as well, these past few weeks. Nyota must be missing you quite badly."
Maybe she had seen something, after all. I kept my expression neutral.
"Indeed."
Sometimes it's amazing how bitchy Spock can be.
Phil made a few more notes before hanging the PADD back on the wall. "Well, it looks like PT went well today. Just a little grumpy about the walker, were we?"
I nodded. "He'll do better next time. We're on again for 0930 tomorrow morning."
"Wonderful. Gentlemen, Carol, I'll see you this afternoon."
She closed the door behind him and turned to face us, her smile disappearing like the sun behind storm clouds.
"You have got to get him out of here. Now."
Spock was a statue. "Why, Dr. Marcus?"
"I overheard Uncle Phil comming another MD, ordering a blood draw. They want to study him, to find out how he was able to recover so quickly."
I closed my eyes and nodded. The order for a blood sample was news to me; it wasn't on the chart, which means Phil kept it a secret on purpose. And I figured it wouldn't stop with just one blood draw.
'I'd take some heat for it but I can order his release. No way I can get that pushed through before tomorrow but we can hold Boyce off on the draw as long as someone stays with Jim at all times." I didn't want to discharge him until he was stronger on his legs and had demonstrated normal bowel function, but those could be handled with outpatient therapy and self-reporting. As long as someone stayed with him and brought him in for his PT appointments, he'd probably do okay.
I looked at Spock, but I didn't have to ask, and we both knew it.
"Doctor, we will need a place to stay once you release him. I am not aware of his having any living quarters other than those on the Enterprise and at the Academy, neither of which is sufficient for his needs at the present time."
I pulled my hotel key chip out of my pocket and handed it to Spock. "Room 5042. It's only got one bed but there's a pull-out bed in the sofa."
"What about you, Doctor?"
I smiled as he pocketed the key chip before I answered. "I've got another place to stay."