elliewood | Fic: Companion, Chapter 35: Nyota (5)

I'd been visiting with Leonard for about half an hour when Kirk appeared, a hooded jacket concealing his hair but not much else, especially not the huge shiner that used to be his right eye. He was leaning on a cane and panting as if his next step would be his last.

Knowing the potential danger he was putting himself in by coming back, my first thought when he hobbled through the door was, What the hell is your problem? And that was my second thought, too, but phrased more as a concern than an accusation, because even from across the room, I could tell he looked terrible, freaked out, scared, exhausted. Done. I jumped up and closed the door, then helped him over to the chair where he collapsed with a curse and a groan.

Leonard's expression, what I could see of it under the bandages crossing his face, mirrored what I felt. "Jim, boy? The hell you doin' here?"

"I could ask you the same question. I about shit my pants when they told me you were in here as a patient."

"Well, I kinda sassed Phil Boyce, and he took it none too well. Clocked me upside the head with a PADD. He was pretty pissed we sneaked you out. Which, by the way, you're kinda circumventing by being here. You should get the hell out."

"I will. I just...Fuck, Bones, I told you you should have come with us. Why'd you get into it with Boyce? Look at you, man, you look like total shit."

His words were teasing, but his voice shook. Maybe he cared more than I gave him credit for.

"Just buying us time. Phil is cooling his heels in the brig on charges of assaulting a fellow officer; lucky for me, there was a witness. He won't be after you for a while, and whoever he's working with will be out of luck in a week's time too. Assuming you actually stay hidden, that is, rather than letting yourself get flushed out of cover like this."

The last words were a rebuke; we both felt it. Jim blushed pink.

"I...couldn't stay there."

"Everything all right with Spock?" His tone was kind but careful, inviting only what Jim wanted to say. I'm not sure I wanted to hear any of it.

Jim shook his head mutely and looked down at the floor, his bruise shocking against the sudden pallor of his face.

Leonard looked at me and angled his head at Jim. Go ahead, talk to him.

I tried to make my voice gentle and encouraging like Leonard's, but it didn't sound that way when it came out of my mouth -- metallic, sharp, the question too abrupt.

"Did he tell you about the bond?"

Kirk's head shot up. "You knew?"

I nodded. "He told me a few days ago, when you were still mostly unconscious. It's why we broke up."

His one good eye widened. "Broke up."

Leonard squeezed my hand, and I was glad of it; it made it easier to say.

"Yeah, we're done. He...he wants to be with you. He has for some time now, months."

"What!?"

"It's true. Vulcan bonds don't just form from a mind-meld. There has to be...compatibility, a desire for that link."

I could feel the bitterness increasing, leaking out with every word. Spock had never wanted a bond with me, had never spoken of it, even as a possibility, throughout the years we were together.

"But...he did this to me, he didn't ask me..."

And here was Kirk, acting like it was some kind of white elephant, an ugly piece of bric-a-brac he didn't want and couldn't get rid of. I wanted to slap him.

Apparently, so did Leonard. "Did what to you, exactly? Save your life with that meld? I don't recall you being in any position to object."

His tone was crisp, businesslike, not soothing anymore, and it startled Jim. "Bones, it was more than that. He says we're connected now, whether I like it or not."

"Can you break the connection if it turns out you don't like it?"

"Yeah, he said we could..."

"Well then, hell, man, just shut up and get over it."

I felt my jaw drop, actually fall open, at the sudden irritation in Leonard's voice. Kirk was as stunned as I; he pulled the hood back to run his hand through his hair in disbelief.

"Bones, what..."

"I said shut up, you selfish, spoiled brat! You think this comes around every day? Someone to feel for you, take care of you, watch for you to stumble and pick you up when you do? Someone who just broke this girl's heart for you? Someone who saved your fucking life? What do you think this is, something you can just ignore, or say, 'Thanks but no thanks, I'm fine?' Most people would kill for what he's serving up to you on a silver platter. I'm telling you, if you feel anything for that man, you owe it to him to go back there and tell him. And if you don't, well, you still need to go back there anyway and tell him, because that's just not fucking fair."

I had never seen Kirk speechless until just then. He tried, though, I'll give him credit for that.

"But..."

"No, I'm not done. What was it you didn't want him to find out, anyway? That you care about him? That you're more than a ship's captain, more than a dick with legs, that you actually have weaknesses? That you're not the man he thinks you are, that you fall short just like the rest of us pathetic assholes? Go tell him, for Christ's sake, and quit being such a goddamned baby!"

Jim's head dropped again and his fingers played with the head of the cane he held. I closed my eyes against a sudden dizziness; I was pretty sure I knew what was coming.

I was right.

"Nyota...?"

I opened my eyes to look at Leonard first, and he returned my gaze levelly, knowing, as he squeezed my hand again. I turned toward Jim to see him humbled, almost crushed, the fear and pain evident on his face, and my anger at him dissolved.

"It's all right. You can tell him. He sort of knows by now, anyway."

I watched as the rest of the color drained from his face, as his eyes closed in slow motion, and felt a rush of pity at his despair.

"I don't think I can. I don't know how I could."

"Well, you better figure it out quick. You need to get your ass on back there before they figure out you're here, and you'd better straighten it out one way or the other." The harshness in Leonard's tone surprised me again, and I glanced down at him to see his eyebrows knit together in a scowl.

I went over to Jim and offered him my arm. "Here. I'll walk you as far as the shuttle stop. But after that, you're on your own. Try not to get kidnapped, okay?"

He leaned on me and the cane to stand up, then pulled the hood back over his head, defeated. "I'll do my best."

When I got back to the room, Leonard was lying back down, seemingly asleep. I tiptoed over to the chair to sit next to him and stare down at his ruined face.

He must have felt my gaze because his eyes opened. "What is it, darlin'?"

"You're the biggest fucking hypocrite I know."

He laughed, but tiredly, as he reached for my hand. "Now why would you go and say a thing like that?"

A bit of the fury came back. "Everything you just said to him, everything about someone to pick you up when you fall, all that bullshit. You were describing yourself."

His eyes closed for a moment. "Yeah, some of it, I guess."

"So why the hell didn't you tell him how you feel instead of bitching at him to talk to Spock?"

He opened his eyes, and I felt a sudden stab of dismay at the expression in them as he looked up at me, an expression that was there for the briefest moment and then abruptly vanished as he rearranged himself.

"First of all, what I said was not bullshit, young lady; I speak from experience. And second, let me ask you something. What if Spock came through that door right now, begging your forgiveness and asking you to come back to him like nothing happened? What would you say?"

I didn't have to think. "I'd say no."

"And why is that?"

"Because I know I'm not the one he wants. He couldn't give me what I need."

Leonard raised my hand to his lips, his eyes now steady and fixed on mine. "Exactly."

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